we are doing well.

i have always said i wanted to write a book. and i think i have finally figured out the title..."everything you need to know about motherhood that no one ever tells you" and then i am going to proceed to tell the real story, the one that no one talks about but everyone experiences. when was the last time you heard anyone tell a newly pregnant woman how horrible hemmhoroids are??? hmmm...yeah, i didn't think so.

well, that's sort of where we are right now in our house. feeling out the realities of a new child. bringing lydia home has been remarkably similar to bringing a new baby home. she's up at night, she demands attention, we are getting used to another family member, the kids are having to bow to her needs. unlike a new baby, i can't let her scream. i am a big fan of putting my babies in the crib when i am at my wit's end but in this case, i can't do that. if she is wanting me then i have to give myself to her.

so here is today. we skipped swim practice at 7:15. got up and discovered that eric was down for the count, sick and in bed (he was sleeping in another room). okay, that's what i needed. after a morning of vbs, we headed home. oh dear. breakfast dishes were still on the table. by now the cereal had morphed into some sort of alienesque blob. miscellaneous breakfast food is on the counter...all still open of course. a puzzle is strewn about the open section of the house. the playroom is covered, and i do mean covered, with toys. the den is set up as a campout scene with pillows and blankets and stuffed animals all over the place. somehow, it didn't get cleaned up in the 4 hours we were gone! lydia is refusing to be put down, micah is pulling on me and wants to be held, anna claire is wanting me to play, and josiah is whining about why daddy isn't awake. eric has not gotten out of the bed and i am feeling the effects of not having been in the bed for a large portion of the night. OH MY GOSH!

you know what was going through my head, let's just get it out there..."WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING??????" (hopefully my mother nor my pastor will read this
!) yep, that's where i've been this afternoon. i couldn't take it anymore. all of the emotion of the day and the weeks flooded me and i became this possessed being for about 5 minutes. screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling at the kids. i can't describe how angry and frustrated i was. i wanted my old life back. i thought about calling my mom to come rescue me for an hour but i wasn't sure i wanted her to see me this strung out.

it's not that we weren't prepared for the adoption - i think we read everything and talked about things as much as we possibly could have. but like a new baby, you can't know what it is like until you get there. and we are there. new baby, four kids 5 years apart. the youngest 6 months apart. its a lot. i know that it is what God has for our family - who could doubt that after our journey to get lydia - but it is on the crazier side of crazy right now.

so, when people ask how we are doing (which i get asked at least 47 times a day) i think i will say this. "we are doing well. we haven't killed anyone, buried anyone alive, or even locked them out of the house. we haven't run away or driven aimlessly around the city. we haven't even locked ourselves in the bathroom. no one is starving, everyone is clothed, a roof is over our head. so, all things considered, we are doing very good."

i don't think most people really want to know. it takes all the fun out - the story is too dreamy. really, the fun family comes home with the china doll and everyone lives happily ever after. but for those who do want to know or who will come after me on this journey, there it is. the real, live truth. really, we are doing well.


John said...

I feel your pain, echo your words, Ashleigh! I've been wondering the same thing almost everyday since bringing our little Sally home 2 months ago! Thankfully she's our third and I know this stage will pass (too quickly) and her colic won't last forever. But when I tell my body that at 10 pm and she's still not down yet, it doesn't believe me! Hang in there and we will too and someday we'll get all these cherubs together and laugh and be joyful while they play independently and we sip our hot drinks while sitting down to adult conversation.
Karen Bonnell

The Wood Fam said...

You are all 6 in our prayers daily. Thank you for your honesty.

I can't begin to tell you how often I think about and how much I miss the days you and I swapped kids for a day. YOU were my lifesaver!! I was sure you were really an angel God sent my way. :) And to this day Karis still talks about planting flowers with you in your front bed, baking cookies, etc. THey difinietly had much more fun with you than they did with me. And though I am not sure really how much he remembers, Karsten still considers Josiah his best friend. :)

You all are learning a new 'normal'. Though I am quite sure that one day (hopefully soon!) you will all be sleeping peacefully in your own beds, swimming, planting flowers, baking cookies and revelling in the 'normal' of the Sanzone home and family. And as for your house - sounds like a house with 4 young kids in it! :) Wish I was there....you could come over and see my house every day and you would feel better. :) That is one of the joys of homeschooling - the kids are ALWAYS home! "Cleaning house with kids is like stringing beads on a string with no knot at the other end!" L. Woodward) :)

Our hearts rejoice with you in God's faithfulness to bring Lydia to you but also ache with you in the pains that often come with any change.

We love you all dearly.
Dean and Kelly

Anonymous said...

You are awesome! thanks for feeling the freedom to say it like it is! CRAZZZZY!! But that is how God is going to show you His work in YOU! You will make it and you will get stronger because you are God's precious daughter. Find your peace in Him. Just like you said at my baby shower--"lock yourself in the bathroom and cry out to Him"
I love you!

Andrea Nielsen said...

I will just echo my comment yesterday...whether all families feel this, I can't say. But there are way more that do than do not I would think. I cried more than one night after getting my daughter to bed during the first few months... and it did get better with time. You are in my prayers.

Kelly said...

i'm chuckling...i can picture you saying these things, doing these things, and i thank you for sharing, as always. you give others the freedom to be REAL. and how cool, that in the midst of the screaming, God loves us STILL, even on the crazier side of crazy! plus, it's good for our children to see the good, the bad, the ugly, and how we let God help us make it all come together for HIS good! sleep tight!

Jeff said...

Ashleigh-- very honest post. We're not exactly there, but we can somewhat relate. We have our own set of crazy circumstances that sometimes make us wonder what we were thinking! We have an older home and I am majorly remodeling. I am behind schedule... way behind! We are living in a portion of the home, while a seperate portion is stripped down to studs and ceiling joists. REALLY not a good time for family expansion! There have been moments this week were it was hard not to come unglued, but we, too, are doing well.