we are doing well.

i have always said i wanted to write a book. and i think i have finally figured out the title..."everything you need to know about motherhood that no one ever tells you" and then i am going to proceed to tell the real story, the one that no one talks about but everyone experiences. when was the last time you heard anyone tell a newly pregnant woman how horrible hemmhoroids are??? hmmm...yeah, i didn't think so.

well, that's sort of where we are right now in our house. feeling out the realities of a new child. bringing lydia home has been remarkably similar to bringing a new baby home. she's up at night, she demands attention, we are getting used to another family member, the kids are having to bow to her needs. unlike a new baby, i can't let her scream. i am a big fan of putting my babies in the crib when i am at my wit's end but in this case, i can't do that. if she is wanting me then i have to give myself to her.

so here is today. we skipped swim practice at 7:15. got up and discovered that eric was down for the count, sick and in bed (he was sleeping in another room). okay, that's what i needed. after a morning of vbs, we headed home. oh dear. breakfast dishes were still on the table. by now the cereal had morphed into some sort of alienesque blob. miscellaneous breakfast food is on the counter...all still open of course. a puzzle is strewn about the open section of the house. the playroom is covered, and i do mean covered, with toys. the den is set up as a campout scene with pillows and blankets and stuffed animals all over the place. somehow, it didn't get cleaned up in the 4 hours we were gone! lydia is refusing to be put down, micah is pulling on me and wants to be held, anna claire is wanting me to play, and josiah is whining about why daddy isn't awake. eric has not gotten out of the bed and i am feeling the effects of not having been in the bed for a large portion of the night. OH MY GOSH!

you know what was going through my head, let's just get it out there..."WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING??????" (hopefully my mother nor my pastor will read this
!) yep, that's where i've been this afternoon. i couldn't take it anymore. all of the emotion of the day and the weeks flooded me and i became this possessed being for about 5 minutes. screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling at the kids. i can't describe how angry and frustrated i was. i wanted my old life back. i thought about calling my mom to come rescue me for an hour but i wasn't sure i wanted her to see me this strung out.

it's not that we weren't prepared for the adoption - i think we read everything and talked about things as much as we possibly could have. but like a new baby, you can't know what it is like until you get there. and we are there. new baby, four kids 5 years apart. the youngest 6 months apart. its a lot. i know that it is what God has for our family - who could doubt that after our journey to get lydia - but it is on the crazier side of crazy right now.

so, when people ask how we are doing (which i get asked at least 47 times a day) i think i will say this. "we are doing well. we haven't killed anyone, buried anyone alive, or even locked them out of the house. we haven't run away or driven aimlessly around the city. we haven't even locked ourselves in the bathroom. no one is starving, everyone is clothed, a roof is over our head. so, all things considered, we are doing very good."

i don't think most people really want to know. it takes all the fun out - the story is too dreamy. really, the fun family comes home with the china doll and everyone lives happily ever after. but for those who do want to know or who will come after me on this journey, there it is. the real, live truth. really, we are doing well.