Hope.

I am stunned at this evening's events. I have been feeling less and less excited about Lydia. Not knowing whether my dwindling excitement was a realization of reality and the hugeness of the idea of whether it was merely me coming back and realizing this was all something I concocted, not of the Lord. So I have again been actively praying for God's leading. I opened up my Bible study tonight and the first verse to read, before any study, is Romans 15:13.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

That's it! I had lost hope. I had come to believe this dream of Lydia was never going to happen. I had lost sight of God's direction and his hope. So I am praying for joy and peace as we hope for our little girl.

So then I began to study the story of Abraham's servant going to retrieve a wife for Isaac. The servant prayed for God to show him the one and asked for a ridiculous sign - she would ask to feed his camels. 250 gallons of water! I couldn't help but think about us going to get Lydia and asking for $25,000. RIDICULOUS! But God provided ans was so dear. And then when the servant proposes the idea to the father and brother they simply say, "This is from the Lord. We can say nothing to you." I feel like that is where we are.God has been making it clear and has promised to provide. It is a ridiculous request and a hard journey - just as it was for Rebekah to leave her home. But when God moves so dramatically there is no arguing. And so I am again excited at the plan God has for us. I truly believe it includes a little girl named Lydia and I believe God is going to make it clear as the time draws near.

Thank you God for your hope. Please fill me with peace and joy. Give me an overflowing hope.

Burdened

I was so overwhelmed thinking about Lydia today at church. My heart was so heavy. Is this the day of her conception? Surely not her birth? Maybe her mom was deciding whether to keep her. I don't know but I couldn't get rid of the picture and the intense need to pray. Sometimes I feel like I am psycho - so in love with a girl that I don't even know. And really don't even know if I will know her.

I know this is going to be a faith journey. And when we walk through the door with Lydia we will have a huge God story to tell.

Oh God, make our path so clear. Remove hindrances and bring us confirmations. Thank you that you love us so much.

UPDATE: Lydia's birthday is listed as 12/28/2005 but that is a guess. She was not given up until mid-March and so her day of birth is a mere estimate. I think she was probably born on January 22, 2006. I believe with my whole heart that I was praying for our little girl the evening of her birth. It was a Sunday morning here that I will never forget.

WAIT.

Boy, who would have thought we would be here. Eric and I continue to pray about adopting a little Chinese girl. It has been the weirdest journey. I am so in love with this little girl - I can see her face in my head. Quite literally I can see her standing up with big chunky legs, round brown eyes and 2 sticky up ponies on top of her head. What is this? My imagination, a picture from the Lord? That part is confusing. What's not confusing is that God has laid this on our hearts and instructed us to pray. We feel like He has asked us to seek wisdom until May and the He will give us an answer.

I am scared. I am scared that God is going to say no. I know intellectually that His ways are best but I guess I don't trust that. Why would he give me/allow my heart to go somewhere only to be disappointed? And yet here I am again with Him saying WAIT. Don't jump to conclusions. WAIT.

Help me Lord to WAIT.