big things

oh how i wish i could know God's plans.

one year has passed since sj came home. and in remembering i found myself simply overwhelmed at what God did to bring her to us. and to bring her to full health. she is absolutely the cutest thing on the planet (i've been teaching her how to say that!) and she is a picture of God's miraculous hand, walking around in our house. what an incredible privilege, and one i completely take for granted, that we have witnessed God's miracles over and over and over again. truly, who can say that?

over the past couple of weeks i have been trying to wrap my head around it. i mean, the things God did were huge! why? or more pressing to me right now, why not? why don't we expect God to be big all the time? why is it so overwhelming and surprising? what else does he have planned for us and he is just waiting to be given the opportunity? he is simply waiting for someone to have enough faith to follow God into something "crazy" and then watch Him do his thing? but instead he gets us, who have our lives neatly packaged. we go about our business with absolutely no need for the supernatural, so why would he ever show up? we don't ask for anything miraculous so we never get it! we never launch out to that place of crazy discomfort so that it can only be God who meets our needs.

i know that God does not always choose to do the miraculous. if he did, we wouldn't have nearly the pain that we live amongst. i would never want to encinuate that i was one who thought that miracles simply don't happen in certain situations because someone didn't pray enough. my 36 years have had way too much reality for that to even enter my brain. nor am i an advocate of irresponsibility and then waiting for God to bail you out. no. not my thing. at all. hear me LOUD and CLEAR.

but what i AM burdened about is the idea that God may be calling us to something way out of our comfort zone and we don't go simply because we are scared. we're afraid God won't show up and do what he needs to do. we're not willing to risk the chance of looking like a fool as we patiently ponder God's arrival. and what sarahjoy's story reminds me is that God showed up! he really did! we prayed that he would provide and we completed her $30,000 adoption with a few extra dollars in the account! we prayed he would match us with a little girl who fit right into our family and whose health needs we could manage and out of the hundreds of thousands of orphans available for adoption, look who we got! you don't have to be around her too long before you will say, as so many do, she is a SANZONE! and as is God's way so much of the time, he gave us far more than we could have asked or imagined. not only did he provide adoption funds, but he kept providing through his people's generous gifts towards SJ's medical bills. we didn't ask for that! we didn't even have a chance to pray about that, or expect anything! but it was as if God wanted to say, "HEY! not only can i do the miraculous, i can do miraculous on STEROIDS!" and yes, God brought us through heart surgery and lots of question marks and gave us back SJ. he did miracles for that child to walk out of the hospital. but not only did he heal her little body, he gave us a 100% healhty little girl! one year later there is not a thing wrong with her. MIRACLES PLUS MIRACLES!

my heart aches to see God do something big in our family again. i feel as though through my rememberance he has placed in me an unsettledness. a "feeling", a gut thing that says let me do it again. oh boy, it's scary. don't get me wrong. but the reality of God's vastness and longing to do great and mighty things through his people trumps fear. at least it does when i stare at what happened in the last 24 months to bring sj home. when it's in front of my face and i can't deny it i KNOW i want to do it again. i want to be up close and personal with God's faithfulness and his miracles!

so who knows what is in store for us? i don't know. all i know is that eric and i are praying and asking God to be really clear. REALLY clear. there is nothing more invigorating and pleasurable than being in the center of God's will. and there is absolutely zero that is more frightening than being outside. so our prayer is simple...show us your will God. show us what big thing you want to walk us through next.

and hang on for the ride!

mine

it has been a year since we brought sarahjoy home and as we mark that anniversary with krispy kreme donuts (i mean what else would you mark it with?) i have found myself remembering the journey. why is it that we forget the past so quickly? forget how MUCH God did to bring her home! really, folks, he did above and beyond what we could have ever thought or imagined and i am embarrassed to say that i have rarely reflected on that reality in the past year. the present fullness of life so often edges out the past stories of the miraculous. and yet, we must remember. we must reflect on God's faithfulness lest we forget.

i went back and was looking at the list of people who invested in sarahjoy's little life. i was completely overwhelmed. i didn't count them, but they took up two pages when i printed them out. so many people who came together to bring her home. i can't really wrap my mind around it actually. there were even people on that list that i didn't know. friends of friends who were prompted to give to a little girl's journey. over $30,000. a miracle. God moving individuals to come together for a greater cause. i stand amazed.

and that's just the people who financially supported sarahjoy. if i tried to make a list of people who prayed for her it would have to remain unfinished. i don't even know many of them. it is not uncommon for me to meet someone at church who tells me they have prayed for sarahjoy. i don't know them, but they knew my baby and prayed her home. they prayed for someone they didn't even a know. an "unknown" little girl in a faraway country. why? why were so many prompted to do so? the only answer i have...the miraculous hand of God. the hand that brings families together across continents and moves people's hearts to come together and plead for God's blessings on a faraway little life, on our life.

i remain undeniably indebted to so many people. they brought my baby home. they brought my baby into my arms, out of death's grip, and back to life. i am so thankful. i shout to the world, my God is great, he is greatly to be praised. he looks upon the orphan with compassion and cares for them. he uses each of us to bring his will to fruition. he blesses those who follow him. he is a God of the miraculous and completely unfathomable.

and here i sit, as the recipient of so many blessings. not the least of which is a precious little girl, full of spunk and feisty energy. who has been given a new chance at life. who brings joy to our days. who is mine. and who is a product of hundreds, if not thousands, of people's prayers and gifts. a picture of the true nature of God.

because of you, she's mine.

may God use her story for his glory.

why?

over the years i have had a number of people ask me, "why don't you adopt from the U.S.?" i actually hate that question. because behind it, whether they are willing to admit it or not, is the assumption that a child from the usa is more important than a child elsewhere. for some reason we feel like a child in our own country deserves adoption more than a child somewhere else. and of course, that assumption is simply symptomatic of the great american mindset that we are God's greatest gift to this earth. that there is no other country who could rival us, even their PEOPLE are less than ours. their HUMAN BEINGS are of less significance than our population.

i know that most people who ask that question are not even conscious of this mindset. at least, i will give them that benefit. but truly, it is an arrogant, arrogant thought process that questions why someone would adopt anywhere other than the usa. and it really bothers me.

recently i came across this video. it will make you sick to your stomach if you have any sense of compassion. it is truly unbelievable to many americans, those who haven't been exposed to the realities of the world in which we live. i challenge you to watch it. to open your eyes to the horrors going on in other countries. and maybe you will have the opportunity to bring a little light to that question that i hate.

www.itsagirlmovie.com

thank you, part B

Baby Chic Pink Thank You 3x5 folded card

Elegant thank you cards and notes by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

y'all get to look at my cute card so i can get a $10 credit to shutterfly!  but it is cute, if i do say so myself.  and fits perfectly into my plan to write thank you notes to those who were instrumental in bringing little SJ home.  yes, mom, i have already written thank you notes once.  but you know, i feel like people need to see and hear again just how much their gifts to us helped perform a miracle.  God is so gracious to have given us little SJ. 

editor's letters

reading the 'letters to the editor' in wheaton's alumni magazine tonight...

the place God calls you to is the place where your gladness and the world's hunger meet. Frederick Buechner

thought provoking...

burning bush

eric and i celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary the other day.  and over a scrumptious lunch we said to each other, 'you know, our life really isn't any different than we would have imagined it would be.'

true.  in lots of ways.  in most ways.  and yet as i've thought about that conversation i've realized there is something that isn't so much what i envisioned.  adoption.  yes, we had always thought about adopting a little chinese girl.  but i don't think i ever thought about adopting two.  and i never imagined being so in love with the adoption cause.  i think if you would have asked me about it i would have simply explained our desire for an adoption and it would have ended there.  not this heart-pulling desire to help the chinese orphan.  it has caught me by surprise and i am still processing what it exactly means in my life.

on several occasions lately i have been asked questions like, "if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?" or something along those lines.  and the first thing in my mind, without any hesitation, is to go back to china to help in an orphanage.  not only would i love to do that but i want that for all my children.  i want them to see the plight of the orphan, to see where God rescued lydia and sarahjoy from.  to be able to touch and smell and taste china (however gross that may be...)  i don't care about luxury vacations or even exposing my kids to the great US of A.  what i really care about is the orphan, specifically china's orphans, and providing an opportunity for my kids to become passionate about caring for God's precious children.  and if you had talked to me 14 years ago, that is not where i would have placed my heart.

i probably would have told you i would have a great ministry with teenage girls.  and well, that's not so much happening these days.  nor do i have any desire for that to happen.  at least not for another 7 or so years when i have a small group of teenage girls under my own roof!

and to be honest, i have no idea what to do with this relatively newly discovered, unexpected passion.  yes, we have adopted two kids.  but i don't feel like it ends there.  what's next?  do we actively seek to encourage other families to adopt?  we've certainly been approached by some who are interested but no one seems to really be interested.  maybe they need a gentle push from someone who has been there, who has the fire in their belly.  do we save our pennies and seek to expose our children to china's orphans?  i would love to take them on a trip with 'show hope' or some other organization that does orphan work.  does our influence need to be focused on the next generation, and not necessarily those outside our familial boundaries?  (wouldn't that be incredible for God to give our kids a passion for adoption and we could have grandchildren who were adopted from all around the world?)

or does it involve us personally taking the dive again to bring home another orphan?   let's talk unexpected...this, my friends, is a thought that was completely unexpected 6 months ago, much less 14 years ago.   if you had asked me before traveling to get sarahjoy if we would even ponder doing it again i would have given you an adamant no.  and yet again i find myself in a swirl of emotion wondering if God is calling our family to something that is so crazy and unsettling it makes my stomach turn.

i don't know.  in reading mary beth chapman's book, 'choosing to see', she talks about their decision to adopt and how she asked God for a burning bush.  i fell asleep the other night with that as my prayer.  please, lord, send me a burning bush.  i need to know if this is from you.  i need to know where to go with my passions.  i need you to be clear.  really clear God.  


i have no idea where we are going on this journey.  i would like to know.  really would like to know.

God, burning bush.  burning.  bush.  really.  clear.  i NEED a really clear burning bush!  k?

changed

i realize an update is long overdue.  gracious.

sarahjoy is doing spendidly (love that word!)  we were at the cardiologist's and the pediatrician's office last week and both gave her superb reports of good health.  it's not an exaggeration to say that they were giddy at how well she was doing.  i have to remind myself, because things have gone so well, that when we brought this sweet thing home she was SICK.  as in REALLY sick.  like doctors freaking out sick.  i remember sitting in the heart surgeon's office and going through what was going to happen with the surgery.  eric kept saying, "and what if that doesn't work...and what if that isn't successful..."  until the doctor said, "well, then we would be looking at a double lung transplant which generally children are not candidates for so we would just need to make her as comfortable as possible."

upon which i took a deep breath and said, "okay, can we stop talking now?"

all that to say, our little girl was really sick and there realistically could be severe long term health implications for her heart not being repaired until much later.  however........................she appears to be completely healthy!

she is growing like a weed.  she has gained 3 pounds in the past month - that's just about 15% of her body weight.  she has grown in height.  and her two-year-old-ness is off the charts.  all of which are indicative of a healthy little girl.  as much as i frown upon fits and getting in to everything, it is a nice reminder that we are being a normal two year old.  in fact, i was thinking on the way home from church today that she is always wanting to walk everywhere, little miss indepedent.  which, one would argue, is pretty typical of the age.  however, in china, she didn't want to walk anywhere.  she wanted us to carry her all the time.  at that point, i chalked it up to stubborness and/or adoption related issues.  but i was thinking this afternoon that maybe a lot of that had to do with the fact that she was exhausted!  her poor little body barely had enough energy for her to breathe, much less have energy to walk.  i remember she would go a few steps and then stop.  she didn't climb on anything and she certainly couldn't be described as being 'all over the place'.  really, i think we were witnessing a miracle.  our little girl shouldn't have been alive.  but there she was, hanging on until mommy and daddy could come bring her home and get her healthy.

sarahjoy is doing great.  she is a bundle of energy, into everything.  she adores her brothers and sisters and her stuffed panda.  she eats anything in sight.  she wants to put her purple converse on and go out the door at any opportunity.  she loves to play chase (inside or out!)  she has particular amounts of fun when she finds a crayon or marker and no one is looking.  i am fully expecting to have at least one piece of furniture ruined by her and am fairly sure i can count on her giving herself a haircut at some point.  it is a different kind of challenge to have a two year old who hasn't been in my care except for a short time.  things that i most certainly would have disciplined and taken care of by this age with the others are new experiences for her.   surprisingly, i never felt that with lydia - she is my very compliant, soft-spoken, quiet little girl.  she would and still does go off and play quietly with her dolls.  she did get into some mischief but she wasn't as fiesty as the ol' sj.  sarahjoy...not so compliant, soft-spoken or quiet.  she is a maniac!  into everything, constantly.  most definitely keeps me on my toes and regularly reminds me - in case i forget - that we have a two year old in our house now.  i would be willing to bet my house on the fact that sarahjoy is going to be our firecracker and there will be some significant explosions under this roof!  a fighter, that kid.  in more ways than one.

we are so thankful.  this morning while i was getting ready and listening to all the kids scurry around i was marveling at how completely normal it seems to have sj in our family.  she fits.  it doesn't even seem weird anymore to have such a little one.  it is our family.  and i love it.    you know, i would love to adopt a treasure trove more.  because adoption is an amazing blessing, a miracle, a God thing.  and i love being a part of that.  i love having miracles staring back at me everyday.  i love having a world perspective right under my own roof.  i love getting a stomachache when i see money being spent lavishly because i have two little treasures that are pictures of how that money could truly do something to change the world.  i love that  i do have two little treasures and they have changed me.

i am pondering what to do with that change.  it's like going on a trip to see the third world, how the 'others' live, and coming back to the comforts of home and feeling a bit, or more than a bit, uncomfortable.  and you don't quite know what to do with what you've seen.  how to process that you have a closet full of shoes and so many have a pair of shoes, or none at all.  except, my trip lives with me.  the memories don't fade and i can't forget what i saw.  i see their precious faces every morning.  and when i see them, i see thousands of other little treasures who need families.  and what do i do?  we can't keep adopting.  we don't have the resources - financial or emotional.  and quite obviously, even if God were to lay it on our hearts for another one (which he hasn't at this point, don't y'all go freaking out on me, although i'm not ruling it out)  that doesn't begin to touch the thousands of orphans i can't bring to my home.  but maybe i can do something bigger.  be a part of the adoption journey for others.  be an advocate for those sweet faces.


The Butterfly Foundation.  makiah loved butterflies.  and butterflies symbolize new life.  hope.  ......in the very beginning stages of thought.  but it's there, rumbling in the back of my head.

so, back to what this post was supposed to be about.  sarahjoy!!!  she's fabulous.  your prayers, God's mercies, and a few amazing doctors.   from all that we can tell, she is 100% healthy.  she will continue on her medication; the doctor will keep her dose steady while she grows so she will essentially be weaning herself off in the next few months.  and then after 4-6 months they will completely stop it.   all the while monitoring her heart and lung pressures.  after that, we're done!  of course, we will continue a regimen with the cardiologist to keep an eye on things but will be done with any treatment of a heart condition.

God has been very merciful to us.  he is always good, but life does not always go the way we would like for it to.  even still, God is good. so i refuse to say, "sj is healthy!  God is good!"  because truly, even if she were not healthy, God is still good.  but for now, he has bestowed his mercies on us and we have been the recipients of a great gift.  we are immensely thankful.  and we are enormously indebted to those of you who have faithfully prayed for sarahjoy and have given to her little life.  you truly have been part of a miracle.

she is all we dreamed of.

this girl loves to be outside!

super big sisters annaclaire and lydia

sj's three favorite things - the doctor, chickfila, and panda