severely handicapped

in the area of blog design. so i spent the last 2 hours tweaking the blog instead of doing laundry and now it is crazy looking. so ignore - and move on to the post. and if you have a talent in blog design...let me know!

faithful

well, well, well. it's been quite a while. but things are beginning to stir around this house and lest the newest addition feel left out, she deserves a well-documented journey too! it used to be that the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th kid didn't get as many pictures. i suppose in 2010 it's that they don't get as much blog time!

which brings me to the lovely re-announcement that we are beginning our quest for leah in january. i have the paperwork ready to be filled out (at least the 1st of 207 rounds) and i am anxiously awaiting getting the process started. we had thought we would start this past july but neither eric or i had a peace about that when it came time to sign papers so we committed to waiting and praying for some more guidance. i think in these last 6 months God has solidified his plan for our family and given us an even greater confidence that leah is waiting for us. so, i would have to agree with God on the whole waiting thing. amazing that he knows what he's talking about all the stinkin' time. gracious.

as we embark on this journey there is a much different sense in my heart. no doubt that we definitely felt the pangs of the financial aspect of lydia's adoption, but we entered it with a more than decent nest egg in our savings account, a bit of hopeful ignorance, and knowledge that even if we had to use a home equity line it wouldn't be for an unreasonable amount (due to said nest egg as well as a bit more play in our monthly budget). it was doable.

this time...another story. to be blatantly honest, as of november 28th we have finally paid off all of our 'lydia loan' which we are thrilled about, but because of our quest to be debt free we have nada, nunka, zilcho, zip-te-do-da in our savings account. that's right - one single number that looks like this...0. and that, my friends, is a frightening place to be. i tend not to think about it too much - it gets me way stressed out and the truth is there is nothing i can do about it. i know that God is calling us to leah but wow, this is a big faith jump for us.

i honestly have no idea how we are going to pay for this. $30,000. that ain't no chump change! but i do have a confidence in God and i feel like he has spoken as clearly to me about leah's expenses as he did about lydia's person (remember the vision of a chubby two year old with pony tails on top of her head?) that He will provide. and yet i strongly sense that it is going to be one bit at a time. not a huge chunk that would tempt us to minimize our dependence on Him, but a little piece here and there so that HE is proven faithful. so that leah's story becomes just as miraculous as lydia's.

i am committed to documenting every last way that God provides for this journey. the first came this past week. we received a gift of $1000 for leah's adoption. and guess how much we need to pay by january 10th for our homestudy? $675. and guess how much we need for paperwork and fingerprints and any number of random expenses that come with gathering the ridiculous amount of documents needed for said homestudy? oh, about $325. yeah, God's going to provide. and it's going to be so crazy cool to watch it happen. of course, i feel just about as stupid saying that as i did when i declared in february of 2008 that we would have a child by the end of the year, as we stood in a line that was 5 years long. but hey, we got proof that God can do MIRACLES!!!! (and she is really cute!)

so leah, we love you already and can't wait to meet you. God will show himself faithful and we will bring you home, debt free. may you be loved and cared for as you wait. we pray blessings on your china mommy and daddy, your caregivers, your doctors. hold tight and know in your sweet heart that your family is coming for you.

random

today we headed to richmond. the not so humongous but nevertheless big capital of the great state of virginia, and, more importantly if you ask some certain peeps - the capital of the old confederacy.

it was a superb summer day - hot, but not humid, a lot of sun, a bit of clouds. fabulous day for a road trip to see uncle matt. aka uncle giant. or, as some around richmond know him, the prolific composer and director of Fight the Big Bull. (and the fact that i even used caps should communicate the importance of that band)

i love my brother. seven years younger than me, we have always had a great relationship. well, maybe not always but you get my drift. we don't need to bring up the incident at home depot when he may or may not have incited me to such anger due to his inability to talk to a stranger that i let forth in speech similar to that of a sailor at which point he decided he would be so kind as to alert the parentals of my vocabulary and therefore see me banished to my room for such a length of time that i had ample opportunity to plot revenge.

however, due to an amazing ability of mine to forgive the utmost grievances, i do still love him and thankfully we live close enough to see each other fairly regularly. i wish he would be so kind as to make the 1.5 hour drive to teach AC piano lessons each week, but so far my amazing cooking talents are not convincing him to do so. have to work on that.

but we made the drive and landed in richmond for the day. moe's for lunch (best chips, ever.) to start the adventures. and then we headed to some sort of park thing. super random - in the middle of the big city is this huge piece of land with animals all over it. half zoo, half park. but not really a zoo. i don't know. great place, just random. for instance, we trot down to see two black bears playing with each other just feet from us. in a safe area, but close. see, it's random. then up the hill to the petting zoo where there were no animals, so back down the hill to the japanese gardens. see, random. japanese gardens? next to black bears? with a bald eagle thrown in the middle? and urban row houses surrounding it all. random.



now it was beautiful and peaceful. or at least would have been had every five seconds not been interrupted by, i'm tiiiired spoken with incredible emotion by the boy with the big brown eyes.



but nevertheless, very nice. i do have to confess that at one point i thought to myself, "now, why would anyone choose to do this? i am hot. i am sticky. i am tired. i would like some air conditioning please. and a cold drink. but instead, i am tromping through a random park, sweating, watching black bears (whom i could see very nicely on the discovery channel, if i in fact had cable) and looking at bamboo gardens (which i am sure they also have on the tv. somewhere. if i was interested.)"



it fascinates me. do people actually enjoy doing things like that? i mean don't get me wrong. great day with uncle giant. love seeing him. love having time with the kids where not an electronic item is in sight. i personally prefer the outlet mall, or a couch and a diet coke (with a 72 degree thermostat close by). but seriously, there are people in this world that get energized with a day like that. me - well, i think it went sort of like this...

"come on, micah! you can do it. keep walking and then we'll go get ice cream."

"ICE CREAM! really? why?"

"cause mommy needs some."

and so, we capped our lovely day off with some yummy ice cream from a very trendy place in the ubber cool capital of va. i got mint chocolate chip, wished i had gotten black raspberry. you know, to go with the black bears. or maybe i should have gotten coconut brownie. cause that's seriously random.



a day like today makes me thankful for many things. a great little brother for one. and that he lives close. and that he loves my kids. and doesn't mind spending 5 hours with us with maybe 30 minutes of adult conversation thrown in the mix. he is patient and kind. and single. (however, there are explicit requirements of any new sister-in-laws which i will go over before the 3rd date)

i am also thankful for great kids. who are healthy. and can walk. and talk. and eat ice cream. and enjoy random black bears in the big city of richmond.

i am thankful for a superb husband. who loves my brother, and our kids. he initiates time with them and loves having fun. he doesn't care about hot and sticky. he knows we are making memories. and he forgives me when i correct his driving (even though he did almost maul a brand new black mustang)

and i am so thankful for air conditioning. and a comfortable place to lay my head. for great memories. and dreams to replay them.

thanks God. what a great day.

a little game

i wish that i were not so critical. i wish i could turn off the part of my brain that silently commentates on way too many things. i wish i could just love people and not imagine the conversation i would have if they asked, "what do you think?" (of course, i would never actually tell them because i don't talk; but i might use them as an illustration in my book...) i wish i could not be so arrogant as to think i can possibly understand the situations people find themselves in. i wish i could truly believe that i might not have the best answer. because let's face it, most of the time i think i have a pretty good one.

just for fun, so you can rest easy knowing that ashleigh has a long way to go in her righteousness, we'll play a game. you know, because i love to be real.

let's play a game of get-in-ashleigh's-brain. (warning: explicit thought life revealed)

situation #1 - talking with someone and they mention that they do not have enough money for a (fairly inexpensive) plane ticket for a once in a lifetime family experience.

my silent commentary, the pastor's wife version - really? you don't have enough money? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? you both work, you have good paying jobs, you have no kids at home? you are telling me that with a double-income-no-children family you cannot come up with enough money for a plane ticket? do you know how much money my husband makes? do you know that i don't work? do you know that we have 4 kids? and i could come up with money for a plane ticket.

my silent commentary, unedited - what the hell are you doing with all of your money? you have not one crap of a second to complain about not having money. try managing it.

situation #2 - a lovely round-bellied woman agonizes over how uncomfortable she is. pregnancy is horrible, she says. and she can't wait for it to be over.

edited commentary from ashleigh's brain - you have nerve, my friend. you, the one with the miracle being performed within your body, right this very second. do you know how many women, many who stand silent around you, would give anything to be in your shoes? do you know how many tens of thousands of dollars couples have spent to be where you are? do you know the pain that infertility brings upon lives and the havoc it wreaks on marriages? just close your mouth. just be quiet. cause you don't have one single excuse for your complaints.

unedited version - you selfish jerk (okay, that's still a little edited). how could you be so heartless? how could you even think about complaining about a miracle? so what, you're uncomfortable. so are a lot of people in this world. and their discomfort doesn't end in new life and cute smiles. nope, they just suffer. how can you be so focused on your self that despite knowing the pain of infertility is present around you, you continue to frown and groan of the awfulness of the miraculous. just shut up. don't even open your mouth. your self-absorption and insensitivity make me want to vomit.

nice, huh? you never knew i was filled with such graciousness and mercy.

i don't know. part of me wants to hold on to my commentaries. i find them true and honest. i mean seriously, take those two very real scenarios in my life and tell me how i am not supposed to have an opinion?

and yet, i wrestle with knowing that a critical spirit is not what God wants from me. and i would love to replace criticism with joy and be one of those people that is so full of happiness you walk away wondering what magic pill they put in their fruit loops. you won't find me being accused of strange amounts of happiness anytime soon.

is it who God made me to be, maybe an unrefined part of discernment or compassion? a good thing that hasn't quite been perfected? or is it a nasty part of my soul that needs gutting.

i don't know. i feel like i am not comfortable in who i am, but don't know who i am supposed to be. i'm conflicted. i'm frustrated that negativity and criticism are my most faithful friends.

sometimes i want to crawl in a hole and not be around anyone. maybe then i could turn off the brain, leave the commentary on pause, and just be. just be.

dizzy

wow. so...it's been awhile.

no, i haven't been on an exotic hawaiian vacation (but will take one if you are offering giveaways)

nor have i been feverishly cleaning and reorganizing my house (but would like to, more than i can describe)

i'm not exactly sure what i have been doing.
which leads me to exactly what i have been doing.
which what i have been doing feels like what i haven't been doing.
and so i'm not sure what in fact i am doing.

i'm dizzy.

i am waiting for the carousel music to end so i can get off and at least get my bearings straight. you know, make life right again. like having the bathroom smell slightly less odiferous than the BP station in the middle of western virginia. or maybe actually put the laundry away before the next laundry day (which, seeing that i only do laundry once a week or less, that gives me 7-10 days to get the folded laundry from the basket to the drawer...seems like that's not too much to ask)(and yes, my kids have lots of underwear)

yep, i'm waiting. the carousel isn't stopping though. even when i scream at the stupid man in charge. it still keeps going.

my options...........(one) enjoy the ride. or (two) keep screaming.

depends on the day which one i do.

some days i am able to grab a little perspective and enjoy the ride. the kids will not be small forever. i will not always hear my name called every 37.6 seconds. they will soon be independent. they will not care about magic shows at the oceanfront or swimming in the pool. they won't get excited about free summer movies or VBS, they will want to be with their friends and i will have to beg them to just call me for 15 seconds to let me know they are okay.

but then there are days when i would be more than happy to not hear from them. i don't care whether they are okay or not - just don't call me. leave me alone. if it's an emergency, leave a message.

take this morning.

wake up. everyone get dressed. i close my door to get dressed (which, i think, after josiah's unannounced entrance into my room the other day, knocking will now be a bit more of a priority). not once, not twice, nor three or four times. within the span of 12 minutes, i had someone calling my name 18 times. i'm not kidding. 18. do you know how grumpy that can make someone? try it. allow someone to get engaged in a task. and then, at 45 second intervals call their name. and then when you call their name, you need to take at least 15 seconds to communicate what you need. and then it's only 30 seconds later before you call again. the second time, maybe ask a different question. but the third time, you need to repeat the first question. keep going. for 12 minutes. don't stop. and then, you need to run. fast. because at that point you will have driven someone so crazy that they will be more than willing to cause you bodily harm.

the carousel. it won't stop. i keep waking up to this insanity.

and here's the kicker.

wake up.
get dressed and put on some make-up (we're not talking beauty pageant folks...just the basics)
make sure everyone has breakfast, sort of. survival of the quickest.
maybe clean up a little but definitely not the whole kitchen. no time for that.
find shoes. 5 pairs. ones that match, preferably. although yesterday 1 out of 4 went barefooted because we couldn't find shoes, at all.
answer 8 questions regarding which toy is available for taking in the van. the answer remains the same...none. but the question is still asked. 8 times.
get to the van.
enter the van by age order. oldest to youngest. don't deviate or loud screaming will ensue.
get buckled. this can take 10 minutes. trust me on this one.
go to the bank.
get lollipops.
oops, i need another one.
yes, i really do have 4 kids in one van.
and yes, they really are all mine.
pick up a friend.
drop one off.
go to the movies.
30 minutes early. so we can get 5 seats together. it's free. yay.
no. we are not getting popcorn. repeat 17 times.
kitt kittredge - the american girl. very cute movie. super morals. age-appropriate. love it.
head to the van.
no, you may not go to the bathroom. or get a drink. or get popcorn. suck it up chili dog. the train is leaving.
get in the van. in age order, remember. we are getting good at this.
stop screaming. you can sing, don't scream. quit bothering your brother. keep your hands to yourself. no, we are not eating at wendy's. sit up. your seatbelt isn't tight enough. sit back. talk nice. be kind.
drop friend off.
pick one up.
get out of the van...and into the house. which one would think could be accomplished in less than 4 minutes.
fix lunch.
try and remember what they like on their hotdog.
how can 4 people in the same family come up with 4 different ways of enjoying a hot dog?
eat. no, you have to eat what i fixed. no, you may not have more chips. no, you cannot have my diet coke. EAT.
go to rest time.
yes, all four. i will go down kicking and screaming before giving up rest time.
yes, you have to go. do we need to ask this every day?
oh, i'm starving. never had breakfast.
eat something that sort of resembles lunch - some would call it scraps. sort of like a dog. you know, finish what is on everyone's plate.
lay down.
my back's killing me.
i can't even pull the top off of the yogurt
doctor tomorrow. with 4. should be fun. when does school start?
catch up on email (the necessary kind)
NO. you may not come down yet.
at 4:00. do we have to go over this again?
can we go see the magic show at the beach tonight?
that would require thinking about dinner.
now.
which i hate.
it's the end of the month. we have no food in the house.
i'm not kidding.
it's bare bones.
i can eek out hamburgers and sweet potato fries.
start the process.
send everyone back up to their rooms to clean up. FOR THE LOVE, do we have to go over this every.single.day. pick.up.before.descending.stairs.
oh my gosh. shoot me now.
it's 5:45. where did the day go?
i have accomplished nothing.
begin crying.
my back's killing me.
that doesn't help perspective.
husband arrives home.
we eat.
relatively peacefully.
it's time for magic.
find shoes. 12 of them. guaranteed to have at least 10% missing.
10 minutes go by. still looking for shoes (and yes, we keep them all in one place, theoretically)
get in the van...oldest first...good...excellent job...no screaming.
park.
walk.
be the all-american family - minus the dog. which we will NEVER have. i promise. see me in 20 years and i'll prove it to you.
drive home. with unending music and singing ('she moves in mysterious ways...yeah, yeah, yeah...')
they want a sleepover.
all 4. one room.
they really do love each other.
and i really do love them.
its bedtime.
and nothing has been accomplished.

happy children. that's about it for today.

i want to cry.

for lots of reasons.

i do cry.

and get in bed.

the carousel is still spinning.

and i am dizzy.

anyone, anyone?

i have found myself becoming increasingly frustrated by others lately. i don't understand how there can be so many people who sit idly by and wait for someone else to get the work done. now i get that there are those who are gifted with organization or administration and that not everyone is cut out to be a 'leader' or make things happen; but seriously, can people not do something?

case in point...(which just typing it makes me incredibly annoyed)...micah played on a U4 soccer team this spring. normally, we would not have signed up a 3 year old for soccer but the little guy is constantly being left out of things the big kids get to do so it is nice for him to finally be able to do something of his own. granted, he only kicks the ball if it hits his foot, but nevertheless it is worth the $75 to give him a sense of belonging and identity. he is the text book case of the lost middle child (the subject of another post altogether).

anyway......eric was the coach to 7 little kids. 7 families. 14 people who could do something. at the beginning of the season, eric asked if someone would be willing to make up a snack rotation and send it out over email. nope, not a soul would do it. wouldn't even do it after the obligatory silence that comes before someone (usually) says, "okay, i'll do it." nope, nothing, nada. not one person would volunteer.

fast forward to the end of the year. no one offered, ever, to organize snacks. and generally there were about 3 children at practice, maybe 4 for games. not exactly the most committed team around. so we (the coach and his lovely wife) made the decision to forgo the standard trophies and party. mostly because i sure wasn't getting screwed ordering trophies and never getting paid for them. and i wasn't about to plan a party for a team who couldn't seem to show up for anything. and lord knows i wasn't going to get any help. so no party, no trophies. it's fine. they're three and four. give them something to look forward to.

"so, are we going to have a party or something?"

"if a parent would like to plan it, that would be wonderful."

silence. definitely no volunteer of the year award being offered.

last game of the season...
"so, i guess the kids aren't getting trophies or having a party?" the SAME parent said with hidden frustration. (enter the small detail that this family has one child. not that i'm judging. but one child is a lot less than four, or three, or two. one child. two parents.)

"well," i said with not-so-hidden annoyance, "based on the commitment level of the parents i don't think so."

end of conversation.

do you think it ever occurred to anyone to do anything other than sit on their rear ends? i don't get it. really, i don't. eric is supposed to run practice, run the games, organize the snack list, order trophies and plan a party? (and i forgot to mention that he coaches anna claire's team too) where are the rest of the parents?

it infuriates me. because i end up doing the work and picking up the pieces that no one else will pick up. and i am tired. i am maxxed out. i run a household of six, i do not need to run everything else in the world.

so what to do? eric will coach again in the fall. do you keep asking for a volunteer for snacks? do i make up a list (that would take all of 5 minutes) and hand it out and once again take charge? do i plan the parties and order the trophies? if it was only confined to U4 soccer, i know the answer. no, i am not doing it. they can live without trophies, a party, or a snack.

but it's an epidemic.

i am continually at the helm because no one else will step up. i took care of trophies for ac's team. i set up for the party. (i do have to say that someone else helped organize once i came up with the plan.) i am planning the class party. i am collecting money for a teacher's gift. i am heading up the preschool ministry. i am leading meetings. i am directing vbs. i am leading more meetings. i am so done with being in charge.

my management capacities are full. a household of six is maxxing me out and all of the peripheral tasks are just about to sink me. i don't even have time for my own friends. which of course catapults me back to the thought of adding one more, and before even adding her, just getting the reams of paperwork completed. that is a part-time job in itself.

i remember hearing a mother of four say a few years back (when i didn't have four) that she had no time for relationships outside her family. she was too busy trying to build relationships with her husband and her kids. i filed that in my head and have never forgotten it. i'm almost there. we are talking serious sacrifice when being a mom and wife actually takes up all of your time and there is nothing else.

i want to be there. i don't want to be there. it is a fight within me to figure out what to do, how to balance.

teter toter. teter toter.

wait

today i sent out our first leah email. during our lydia journey we had several hundred people who followed our email updates and prayed for us. beings that the majority of those folks are not of the blogging generation, i sent my last post out on the email chain. announcing the insanity.

as the news went 'public' (as if a blog and facebook are not enough) i could feel the tension. satan. God. battle. who was going to win today? i spent the majority of the afternoon with a pit in my stomach. what are we doing? how are we going to pay for this? are we digging ourselves into a hole we will never get out of? is this the stupidest thing on the planet? are we maxxed out with kids? am i going to look at leah and wonder if we have made the wrong decision? what does this decision look like long term? is this a selfish decision? or is it God? are we really doing what is right? how does the burden of paying for this thing affect our everyday life? could we just rewind a minute and go over what in the world brought us here? i am sick.

literally, a pit in my stomach. thankfully, eric wasn't here so i could be in my silent world, mulling it all over. tigger and spiderman were not privy to the whirling of emotions going on inside my brain - buzz lightyear had their rapt attention (don't let anyone ever tell you that a good movie isn't a great babysitter). it is so big. it seems so much bigger this time.

i indulged the kids in a ridiculous snack - two waffles with chocolate chips and whip cream in between (that would be the first sign that i am losing my mind) - and headed to karate. full of pit-ness. ugh. i hate this part of figuring out what God wants. could we have some writing on the wall please? and by the way, we just ANNOUNCED it. why the fog now?

"no writing," He spoke, "but how about some music."

and cutting through the fog (and raucous noise of 4 kids in one van) came these lyrics...

strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer
You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

okay. message received. wait upon the Lord. am i going to know today, or this week, or anytime soon how we are going to pay for this thing? wait. am i going to know what special need we are going to be dealing with? wait. am i going to know how our other kids will handle a new sibling? wait. am i going to know how i will manage 5 children? wait. am i going to know what life is going to be like with 5 teenagers? wait.

He reigns forever.

He does not faint.

He does not grow weary.

Wait upon the Lord.

He will defend me.

He will comfort me.

He will lift me up.

Wait up on the Lord.

wait. got it.

it's so hard. the unknowns can consume me. and satan is fighting to have them victorious over me. i can feel it. there is a spiritual battle going on in my heart and mind.

the pit is still there. i wish a great reminder from the Lord could remove all of it but i would be lying if i said that it had. probably part of that is because we just heard bad news from our dear babysitter who is fighting cancer. a reminder that life is not always easy and doesn't always go as planned. a reminder that just because we are following God's leading does not mean it is going to be a road paved with flowers and mint chocolate chip ice cream (now that would have been a good addition to my insane snack idea). enter the pit zone. what is this all going to look like?

wait.