discomfort

i found myself rereading the blog last night for the first time in a long while.  and there were several things that came to mind...

1.  what stories i have to share

2.  what a God i have to share that is the author of those stories

3.  and gosh, our kids have really grown up!

about the third point, we now have a boy who is fully in adolescence, puberty going quite strong thankyouverymuch!  we were watching Revolution together the other night (great show to watch with middle school sons)  and i observed a) his hands are bigger than mine; b) he is getting a...i can barely get it out........mustache; and c) my baby boy is manlike!  gracious.

and now that we have got that reality out of the way - and made note of the fact that it is absolutely amazing that such a young thing as i could possibly be old enough to have a middle schooler - we get back to what swirled around and around in my heart last night.  

God.  our family.  and the amazing things we have done together.

as i was reading our sarahjoy adventure my mouth was almost gaping open at the lengths God went to to provide for us and to give us every last thing that we needed - not only financially but in our souls.  our whole being as a family and as individuals was covered in Godness.   i never want to forget.  but i do.  and that's why blogs are good.   they help me remember where we were and where God took us.  even now, my insides get tight and this rush of emotion comes over me when i think of his mercy towards us in the adoption journey.

i want to do it again.  i do.  i think of how many thousands of orphans there are just in china and i want to bring another one home.  not because my family needs more kids or because i have an insatiable desire to fill up every last possible square inch of our house or because our new minivan now can (coincidentally) seat 8, but because God has created each and every little child.  be they in the most loving home imaginable or abandoned on the streets of china, he created each child and they are a treasure.   he commands US to be for these little ones, to take care of his treasures.  and i can't stand the thought of me sitting in america - with my extremely comfortable life - and saying no to precious treasure.   

does it terrify me?  yes.  i am comfortable.  i am sitting really pretty in my american lifestyle.  heck, i even took a family trip to disney world this year.  how much more american can you get? (okay, we could get a dog...but that is NOT happening) and if i am truthful, there is a (BIG) part of me that doesn't want to mess with my comfort.   i don't want a tighter budget and a more 'intimate' living arrangement.  i don't want diapers again.  my kids are independent or at least there are enough of them that as a group they are independent.  who wants to throw a kink in that reality?  i sleep in when i want to and i go to the store when i want to.  my kids are healthy and well adjusted.  they are smart and successful.  (and enormously cute.)  my life is easy.  and to bring another one home?  to have to walk that tightrope of faith again and have no idea what it's like on the other side?  to throw some cranky, crying toddler into the mix whose adjustment is unknown and whose health is a question mark?  yikes.  and yet it plagues me.  it reeks havoc in my heart to think i am saying no.  

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

even as i write this i am so conflicted.  i want to do the right thing.  i want what God wants for me, for our family.  and in so many ways it seems so easy.  how could God NOT want us to welcome another little child?  as someone said the very first time we were pondering adoption, "if you are thinking about a little girl in china i am pretty sure that is God.  that isn't normal!"  and there is a lot of truth to that.   and yet i don't want to write my own story.  i don't want my passions and emotions to drive what i think God has for us.  could i get some writing on the wall?  could i get an 'amen' from the heavens?  maybe God would have me direct my passions elsewhere, to intentionally encourage other families in adoption.  i mean there is a limit as to how many the sanzones can bring home!  but there is no limit to how many we can be a part of bringing home.  

God's ways are not our ways.  i got one thing down, he's asking for some discomfort.  the question is does it come in the form of diapers or does it come in the form of pounding the pavement.

could i get a coke zero to take the edge off?