7.17.2008

chugging along

i wish i could know what is going through lydia's head. here i sit in her room, working on the computer, while she toddles off to dreamland. if i try and leave the room, she cries. but she doesn't care if i am in the bed with her or holding her. she just has to be able to see me. so, i figured i would get something done! i like the idea of sticking around my kid's room while they drift off to sleep about as much as i like chinese food. not really how i trained my other kids. but i know it is right for her. hey, look on the bright side, all by myself in the peace and quiet! maybe we could keep this act up for the next 10 years. it could be my place to work on my book, which i think i need to change the title. i think a better title would be, "What the hell was I thinking? And other questions of motherhood." broad appeal - i am envisioning the oprah show and ellen.

our day was much better today. lydia has actually gotten to be quite sick in the last 36 hours so we made a trip to the doctor. she was wheezing like crazy and had a high fever. so we got some drugs and she is doing much better today. love modern medicine.

micah has begun to act out a little bit. throwing fits and refusing to do things. today we were in line to pick up the older two from vbs and i was holding lydia and he refused to move! as in, refused-to-move!! he plopped himself down in the floor and would not budge. when i tried to put lydia down she screamed so here i was holding her ever so precariously and dragging him by the arm, all while being observed by what felt like the entire congregation. at one point a man behind me said, "oh, are you ashleigh sanzone?" well, yes, i am. in all of my glory. or maybe i should have claimed a second identity at that point. i only wish, or maybe i don't, that i could know what he was thinking! i finally asked a friend of mine to pick micah up and bring him to me - by that time i had moved down the line quite a bit - which she did, as micah stayed hunched is his little ball even in mid-air. i think i might try the stroller tomorrow for one of them. 'tis a learning curve this sort-of-twins thing. but micah and i did have a special date this afternoon. we took anna claire to gymnastics and then we hit the grocery store for some hershey's syrup to make chocolate milk. just us, and i carried him the whole time. he was thrilled.

i realized something scary today. yesterday in my psychotic state it never crossed mind to call on jesus. wow. how could i have allowed myself to be so far gone and forget the place of my ultimate strength? i don't know the answer to that question. i have pondered it all day. i don't like it though. i know i can't do this thing on my own. funny how it is so easy to forget who got me to this place - you'd think i would remember and be telling him he better get me through it!

well, the girls are both asleep now. thank heaven for anna claire who goes to sleep in about 1 minute and could sleep through a tornado. at thank heavens for lydia who doesn't seem to care about ac's snoring! one more day gone by and one more day towards being a little more settled. for this, we have jesus!

5 comments:

Kelly said...

i will buy that book for every mother i know, and they will all be grateful someone acknowledged some of their deepest, most secret feelings! i have nearly awakened my girls from laughing out loud - it's one of those, "yeah, i know," kind of laughs. i'm with ya sister, and HE IS TOO, even when we forget in those moments on the far side of crazy! GO TO BED!

Anonymous said...

We are keeping everyone up-to-date and have been praying for you for weeks now in Community Group.

The Ringos

Anonymous said...

I love the honesty of your blogs! Trust me when I say that in the last 3 weeks, these same thoughts have crossed my mind. Specifically at 4 am when Dillon is SCREAMING, I am dog-tired, and I have NO clue what he wants b/c he's only 3 weeks old and can't tell me anything except to SCREAM!!!! I wonder to myself......is this what i REALLY wanted?!? Well...yes it is... :) and this too shall pass -- for both of us!
This journey is amazing! I love the pictures, the stories, and your future BOOK! Can I have an autographed copy??

love, Carrie

Anonymous said...

Ash,

Can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed after a rough day with my 4-year-old only to smack my head and say "DUH! Why didn't I call on you, Lord?" So easy to forget in the midst of whining, tantrums, messes and chaos!

I'm loving your blog, thank you so much for sharing your journey. Am praying for you and your family as you continue to adjust...hang in there, girl!

Kirsten (Cosand) Rice

Chary's stream of thought..seems kind of random. said...

Or you could have called on Jesus, but it would have sounded more like cursing than a loving cry for some relief! haha!! How would I know this?? Hmmmm....And that book title is perfect, don't change it!