to do or not to do

it's a good thing i've experienced a few social worker visits over the past few years.  today was our first follow up visit.  she was scheduled to come at 10:30.  the last couple of weeks eric has taken morning duty and gotten everyone breakfast and off to school which has been such a help.   i was exhausted this morning and so had been laying in bed playing with sarahjoy until about 9:45.  at which time i decided i should probably get up and do something with myself.  i was tempted to remain in my pajama pants but decided otherwise.  mostly because i couldn't possibly admit to any outsiders that i had failed to get dressed to meet the social worker.  i would have either had to lie to my mother or bury her.  neither of which is an acceptable option.

so i pulled on a pair of jeans and headed downstairs.  micah and lydia had been playing for a couple of hours without me so the place was a complete wreck.  toys were strewn everywhere.  blocks, tinkertoys, books, kitchen food, every toy you can imagine had been pulled out.  but, you know, i didn't care.  not sure that i shouldn't have cared, but, i didn't.  (this might be a sign...)

it's 10:30.

i am dressed, with my hair pulled in a messy ponytail and not a stitch of make-up on.  slurping on a bowl of cheerios.  the kids are playing in a mound of toys that stretch far beyond the playroom.  and it must have been "trailer park day" because the choice of outfits were amazingly similar to those you might see in such a place.  micah had on sweatpants that were too big with his underwear hanging out.  lydia had sweatpants and a shirt that looked like it had been balled up under her bed for a year.  neither of them had brushed their hair so there was this matted mess in the back of their heads.  sarahjoy was still in her pajamas (but had her purple converse on) and her hair was going in 107 different directions.

a knock on the door.

as if on cue, sarahjoy spills her bowl of cheerios she's been walking around with (note: walking around with food would never have happened with child #1-#4.)  so now there are cheerios all over the floor when you first walk into the house.  she starts to cry and i ask micah to please go pour her some more.  he quickly obeys (with his pants hanging halfway off his butt) and poors some in her bowl . and pours the remainder of the box all over the kitchen floor.  "MOM...i don't think i am a very good pourer."

enter mrs. jewel cooper, social worker lady.

toys everywhere.  food covering the floor.  sarahjoy is crying.  kids are looking, shall we say, a bit questionable.  in fact at that point i am fairly sure the stability of my mental state was questionable for the common observer.  perfect for a reality show intervention.  or maybe we could just be our own reality tv show.

but thank goodness that i had enough dignity to apologize profusely and run around frantically for 3 minutes to pick up the mess i have been worn down to just a hint of my former self and didn't waste a moment worrying about it.   of course, i sort of felt bad, but not bad enough to do anything about it.  i am not sure if that is a good thing or not.  sometimes it scares me how much i just let go.  stuff i would have never allowed to happen 5 or 10 years ago.  even 2 years ago.

the social worker came and left and didn't appear to have a problem.  she laughed.  and wrote a bunch of notes.  so i suppose we'll see what those notes had to say.  maybe they say, "warning.  mother in danger of complete loss of control."

but i kept thinking about the whole scenario.  i wrestle with my desire to do things vs. my ability to get them done.  i would love to have a spotless house, or even a mildly clean one.  i would love to cook healthy meals and always have a refrigerator stocked full of healthy food options.  i would love to exercise regularly and get back my old self.  i would love to just have some self-control and self-discipline!  i would love to get dressed everyday and look decent.  i would love to spend quality time with the Lord.  i would love to be prepared when the social worker comes.  i would love to bake fun treats for community group and not just a pan of brownies.  i would love to welcome in friends with a homecooked dinner and not digiorno pizza.  you know what i would love?  i would love to wake up at 6:30 every day ready feeling energized.

but i don't do any of those things.  at times i feel like a big failure.  sure, i have 5 great kids and in so many ways we have the 'perfect' family.  and by that i mean we have the family that is the dream of so many - happy marriage, healthy kids (well, almost healthy), great job, beautiful house, fun place to live.  but i am lacking in so many of the other things.  so many of things that really don't matter, but they do matter.  i am frustrated.  i am trying to tell myself, "you have so much going on.  don't worry about it."  

but i don't like how things are right now.  and i can't decide whether i just need to let it go, or whether it's time to stop letting it go and get my rear in gear.

grrr. i'm just frustrated.