i woke up in the middle of the night and thought, oh my gosh! we don't even have a picture of all of us together. not even one of all five kids! my mind was racing as i pondered the what if's and should the most awfulest of things happen. i wouldn't even have a picture of all of my kids together. and no family picture.
all day today i kept looking at sarahjoy and thinking, sweet baby you have no idea what tomorrow holds. it is a reality that is so hard for me to hold as her mother. to know that my little girl is getting ready to experience a tremendous amount of pain and i can't even warn her. i feel helpless. and sick to my stomach.
we are to be at the hospital at 5:30am. (big, loud boo. don't they know i need my beauty sleep?) surgery is scheduled for 7:30am. there is an ever so slight possibility that it will be shifted due to an emergency but we will not know that until the morning. we're banking on tomorrow. the surgery will last about 8 hours. but i believe it will be a bit longer than that before we get to actually see her. and actually, for the record, i have this thought that they are going to find something else and it is going to be longer and more complicated. i hope that i am wrong.
tonight about the only thing i want to do is crawl up in my bed, with my cuddly blanket that Mrs. Whaley the Diva introduced me to (english class, there will be more on this subject in a later post...), and be by myself. i want to know that people are praying and thinking of us, but i don't really want to talk to anyone. which is a fantastic idea except for the fact that i have a husband. and we are supposed to do things together. and adversity is supposed to make marriages stronger. but tonight, i don't want to be together. i don't want anyone touching me or talking to me. i just want to be with me.
i don't know what tomorrow will hold. i hope and pray that it will hold those long awaited words from the doctor detailing success and accomplishment. but there is no guarantee. people keep saying to me, "it's going to be alright. she will do great." and there is a part of me that appreciates the positivity. i certainly don't need everyone reminding me of all the things that are possibilities. but no one truly knows the end. just ask makiah's mom. she'll tell you all about endings.
none of us knows what tomorrow holds. we would like to think that we do. but we don't. sarahjoy ran around today as excited and happy as ever. her true spirit coming out as she has gotten more and more comfortable in her new environment (she is seriously fiesty and full of energy! sort of like Diva Whaley.) she had smiles and laughter for everyone. her childish innocence in full bloom. she has no idea. neither do you or i. we run around making plans and creating itineraries. we think months and years in advance and dream of things yet to come. but we don't know. God knows. and only God.
we bathed her and washed her hair. for the first time since we brought her home she endured a bath without screaming. i lotioned her up so she would have that clean baby smell and carefully put her fuzzy jammies on. i wanted her to be as beautiful as she could be for the night before her big day. we took pictures and some video. no one said anything but we both knew why. just in case. we then played and waited the required hour before we scrubbed her with some sort of medicinal antibacterial wipes. it took all the lotion off, and now she smells like a hospital, but she is still beautiful. she is ready for tomorrow.
the question that keeps pounding in my head is whether you and i are ready for tomorrow? i'm not talking about sarahjoy's surgery. i am talking about life's unknowns. the question marks of tomorrow. the reality that none us knows what the next sunrise will bring. you and i are running around with childish innocence in abundance not having a clue about what the next day will bring. are you ready? are you prepared for your world to be rocked? for pain and discomfort to overtake you? for the unexpected tragedy? where is your faith and what will you do with it?
God and i have a funny arrangement. he tells me he's going to do crazy things. i watch them happen. adopting a chubby little chinese 2 year old girl with sticky up ponytails? that's my lydia. adopting another little girl? that's my sarahjoy. watching $32,000 come in to send us to china debt free? check my bank account. doing something special with sarahjoy's story? that's yet to come. but maybe there is someone reading this blog who needs to figure out if they are ready for tomorrow.
posted at 10:16 PM