2.08.2011

ready

i woke up in the middle of the night and thought, oh my gosh!  we don't even have a picture of all of us together.  not even one of all five kids!  my mind was racing as i pondered the what if's and should the most awfulest of things happen.  i wouldn't even have a picture of all of my kids together.  and no family picture.   


all day today i kept looking at sarahjoy and thinking, sweet baby you have no idea what tomorrow holds.  it is a reality that is so hard for me to hold as her mother.  to know that my little girl is getting ready to experience a tremendous amount of pain and i can't even warn her.  i feel helpless.  and sick to my stomach.  

we are to be at the hospital at 5:30am.  (big, loud boo.  don't they know i need my beauty sleep?)  surgery is scheduled for 7:30am.  there is an ever so slight possibility that it will be shifted due to an emergency but we will not know that until the morning.  we're banking on tomorrow.  the surgery will last about 8 hours.  but i believe it will be a bit longer than that before we get to actually see her.  and actually, for the record, i have this thought that they are going to find something else and it is going to be longer and more complicated.  i hope that i am wrong.  

tonight about the only thing i want to do is crawl up in my bed, with my cuddly blanket that Mrs. Whaley the Diva introduced me to (english class, there will be more on this subject in a later post...), and be by myself.  i want to know that people are praying and thinking of us, but i don't really want to talk to anyone.   which is a fantastic idea except for the fact that i have a husband.  and we are supposed to do things together.  and adversity is supposed to make marriages stronger.  but tonight, i don't want to be together.  i don't want anyone touching me or talking to me.  i just want to be with me.  

i don't know what tomorrow will hold.  i hope and pray that it will hold those long awaited words from the doctor detailing success and accomplishment.  but there is no guarantee.  people keep saying to me, "it's going to be alright. she will do great."  and there is a part of me that appreciates the positivity.  i certainly don't need everyone reminding me of all the things that are possibilities.  but no one truly knows the end.  just ask makiah's mom.  she'll tell you all about endings.    

none of us knows what tomorrow holds.  we would like to think that we do.  but we don't.  sarahjoy ran around today as excited and happy as ever.  her true spirit coming out as she has gotten more and more comfortable in her new environment (she is seriously fiesty and full of energy!  sort of like Diva Whaley.)  she had smiles and laughter for everyone.  her childish innocence in full bloom.  she has no idea.  neither do you or i.  we run around making plans and creating itineraries.  we think months and years in advance and dream of things yet to come.  but we don't know.  God knows.  and only God.  

we bathed her and washed her hair.  for the first time since we brought her home she endured a bath without screaming.  i lotioned her up so she would have that clean baby smell and carefully put her fuzzy jammies on.  i wanted her to be as beautiful as she could be for the night before her big day. we took pictures and some video.  no one said anything but we both knew why.  just in case.  we then played and waited the required hour before we scrubbed her with some sort of medicinal antibacterial wipes.  it took all the lotion off, and now she smells like a hospital, but she is still beautiful.  she is ready for tomorrow.  



the question that keeps pounding in my head is whether you and i are ready for tomorrow?  i'm not talking about sarahjoy's surgery.  i am talking about life's unknowns.  the question marks of tomorrow.  the reality that none us knows what the next sunrise will bring.  you and i are running around with childish innocence in abundance not having a clue about what the next day will bring.  are you ready?  are you prepared for your world to be rocked?  for pain and discomfort to overtake you?  for the unexpected tragedy?  where is your faith and what will you do with it?  

God and i have a funny arrangement.  he tells me he's going to do crazy things.  i watch them happen.  adopting a chubby little chinese 2 year old girl with sticky up ponytails?  that's my lydia.  adopting another little girl?  that's my sarahjoy.  watching $32,000 come in to send us to china debt free?  check my bank account.  doing something special with sarahjoy's story?  that's yet to come.  but maybe there is someone reading this blog who needs to figure out if they are ready for tomorrow.  

sarahjoy's ready.    

  


19 comments:

Jonathan said...

The picture at the end made me tear up. Praying wholeheartedly for you.

Jonathan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kari Owens said...

Jonathan and I have been thinking a lot about you this week. As a mother, your words squeeze my heart. I can only imagine what you are feeling tonight, and what you will feel tomorrow morning as you watch your little girl wheel down the hallway into surgery...Thank you for sharing your heart and for reminding us that it IS God who knows all things, and only Him.
Sarah was delivered into your arms by His own Hand. (We got to watch from the sidelines;) And He will be right there in the OR guiding the surgeon's every move. We will be lifting your family up as J and I go to sleep tonight (and also in bible study tomorrow).

Love you Ashleigh.

Kari

Kristen and Jonathan said...

It is 2:46am and I am busy at work...in only a few short hours you all will be leaving for the hospital. I am praying. I will continue to pray as the hours tick on 5:30am, 7:30am...asking the God of all comfort to be with you all. You are loved and lifted up today.

New Community Mission Team said...

Your honesty overwhelms me, Ashleigh. Thank you for your authenticity. We are praying for today, and knowing the Lord goes before and nothing will surprise Him. He holds your hand. He holds SJ's hand. Cling tightly. Love - Dean & Chris

Quiet & Quirky said...

Your honesty overwhelms me, Ashleigh. Thank you for your authenticity. We are praying for today, and knowing the Lord goes before and nothing will surprise Him. He holds your hand. He holds SJ's hand. Cling tightly. Love - Dean & Chris

Cara said...

Praying for you today

Kimberly said...

Lifting you, Sarahjoy, the docs, and your whole family up in prayer today.

Debbie Crafts said...

Praying for all of you. Debbie.

Claire said...

In church on Sunday we talked about the lament in Psalm 88. The Psalmist is in true agony, and it isn't resolved at the end like other laments. However, he shows us how to deal with those things-- by going to God. The Psalmist cries out and talks to God. While you are within yourself, reach without and talk to him. It won't solve things immediately, but it is what He is waiting for.

On a separate note, I know there's no guarantee, and we don't know what awaits, but I know that God has sanctioned medical technology, and I'm praying that these surgeons can glorify their creator by using their skills to help heal SJ.

I am praying for you RIGHT NOW, and will be all of today. Love.

Kristin said...

We are praying for SaraJoy today and for your comfort and peace during this enormously scary process. Thank you for writing out your thoughts and sharing those innermost fears, and very real feelings with those around you.

babs whaley said...

"Mrs. Whaley" was showing this to her class - without pre-reading (oops! poor teacher planning!) and they started laughing.... then I saw it, the "diva" comment. For a women in such stress, you are tricky, Miss Ashleigh.
We all - all 50 of my kids and I - prayed for SJ this morning, for the docs, and for you and Eric and rest of the kids. You are loved, Diva #2~
Babs

Tammy On the Go said...

your family is so blessed with the gift of words. I am blessed by this post. Oh to scoop you up and say all will be okay. But I agree with your words, the past few years I have learned to cling lightly to this life and praise the name of the One who gave it to me....

r said...

I'm a friend of Rachel's and the Mama of 4 through international adoption. I'm so so sorry y'all are having to endure this so soon after SarahJoy's arrival home. I'm praying that it helps the attachment process take off at lightning speed and that her recovery is an easy one for all of you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of all of you and praying!
- duncan

Lisa & Jon said...

I've been praying for you all week and today especially - that the surgeons will be guided by the hands of God and will successful, that you can feel a sense of His presence on this day as you wait, wait, wait. I also pray for new life for SaraJoy - although the fear is there about what could go wrong, there is also such hope for her life, her body, with a heart that doesn't have to work so hard. If she has energy and spunk now, before the surgery, just imagine what she'll be able to do after the surgery! That's what I'm imagining today - SJ dancing and laughing and playing with her siblings. I'll be checking the blog this evening hoping to hear... and praying all the while. Lisa

Cristina said...

I am praying for you Ashleigh, and I am especially praying for SJ.
God holds our breath in His hands.
Cristina

Anonymous said...

Does anyone know how the surgery went? I was praying for her all day yesterday and was hoping to hear a good report.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for your family, for SJ, for the docs. No matter what happens, expected or unexpected, God is still on the throne and in control. God bless you. May He pull you in and hold you close and overwhelm you with His peace.

Christy H.