the end of my rope

Many of you have been praying and we certainly owe you an update. I apologize for keeping you waiting and wondering.

We have been told that our agency chose another family to adopt the sweet little girl we had hoped would be ours. As God would have it I was alone when I received the email and so I was able to have a few hours to be sad by myself. In some ways I felt like my baby had been taken from me. And yet the truth is she was never ours. I knew that, but I still cried. I cried that she wouldn’t be ours. I cried that our family is still not complete. I cried that we have yet more twists and turns to navigate. I cried that I had prayed so hard for her to be ours and God had clearly said no. I cried mostly because I felt like I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!

Last night before we went to sleep Eric asked me if I wanted to pray for Lydia. This has become our routine of late but last night the answer was no. My heart was resistant to jumping back into the game – I think I am wearier of this journey than I even realize. I know the right answers and I recite those and hang on to those, but deep in my heart I am tired. This May will mark three years that we have been praying about adoption, two years that we have been in the process. And after this last disappointment I am finding it hard to capture the energy that I need to keep going.

And yet, ironically there is a peace in my soul that I find striking. I know that Lydia is out there and I know that we will find her. My disappointment is not about the little girl we didn’t get. There is not a doubt in my mind that she was not our Lydia. If she was, we would be packing our suitcases. The weariness is in the journey. The voice is loud and clear…“Keep going. She will be found, and the joy will be beyond your comprehension.” There is peace when I allow myself to be still enough to hear that strong voice. If nothing else, this last little twist in the journey gave us a small picture of how exciting it will be when we can call a little girl our own. We dreamt about it this time, but we know that someday that dream will come true.

As for the next step, it is simply to wait. We have no idea when we might have another opportunity. Our guess would be in the next couple of months. We are continuing to pray that God would do a miracle and bring Lydia to us this year. Thank you so much for praying with us. I can’t tell you how much it means to us to know that we are not alone in this journey. It will be fun when we can finally share her with you!

Eric and Ashleigh