So Many, So Few

I was just reading on a website about how long the wait is for a child from China. People are in agony waiting for their children. Waiting for their dreams to become a reality. So many are ready, and so few are seeing it happen. I read through the various comments and couldn't help but be reminded how much of a miracle you are. I don't know why God saw fit to do a miracle for us, but he has and I will be forever grateful. Why didn't we have to wait five years? It was only four months ago that we were settling in to the reality of not seeing our Lydia for several years. And then POOF!, God moved and here you are. Your cherub face staring at me everytime I open the refrigerator

I still get scared. Are you really going to be ours? Are we really going to be able to pick you up and smell you? To introduce you as our child? There is a twinge of hesitation to believe and if I let it go it turns into a gut-wrenching fear that consumes me. Will China reject us for some reason? Will something happen?

Oh God, please keep Lydia safe and bring us to her quickly. She is your child, before she is ours.

miracles

What a difference a week makes! Our days have been filled with more paperwork, a few fun purchases (I couldn’t resist a couple of things at Old Navy for our sweet peanut), and moments of absolute excitement followed by sheer terror. I can’t believe we have our little girl! Her picture is on our fridge, in my purse, in our bedroom. She is already deep in our hearts and well on her way to being right here in our home. Can you believe it?

It seems like everyday brings new thoughts about what the next steps on this journey will be like. She speaks Chinese. She eats with chopsticks. She has never seen a car seat. She doesn’t like cheerios and mac ‘n cheese, probably completely grossed out by a hotdog. She will be scared out of her mind when she is handed to us. What will her grief look like? Will she scream for 3 hours, will she refuse us to touch her, will she simply shut down, will she demand to be held for hours at a time, will she shun one of us and cling to the other? We expect her transition to be hard. We often think about what life would be like for our Micah if a stranger came and dropped him in the middle of China. He would be terrified, and Lydia will be too – they are virtually the same age. We are thrilled to bring her home and at the same time find ourselves preparing for a few difficult weeks and months. But even in the midst of those moments of “What in the world are we doing!?!?” we know that God has brought us this little girl to be ours, to love as our very own daughter, to be our little sister and we can’t wait! We are praying we can go get her on the soon end of things, which would be sometime in July or August.

We are also praying for God’s provision for the remainder of the finances. Lots of people have asked about this and at the risk of being a little too forthcoming, I will just lay it out there for you to specifically pray with us. We have paid almost $10,000 of our money thus far. We have received approximately $5000 in grants and we have another $10,000 to pay. Should we need to we have a home equity line to draw on, but we are hoping that we might be eligible for a few more grants to defray the cost a bit. We know God will provide for the remainder of the funds, whether that is through our ability to pay off a loan, or through additional grants. A huge variable is airfare. Should we find ourselves flying around the time of the Olympics, airfare could be several thousand dollars more than normal. And since Lydia will be two, we will need to purchase a ticket for her, something that we did not initially plan for. It’s a lot but we know God is aware of the bill! And He will provide in the way that is best for our family.

God has done a miracle to bring us Lydia. He led us to special needs which wasn’t even on our radar screen 4 months ago, sent our agency a random little girl (as opposed to the ‘batches’ that they normally get), bumped us ahead of 11 other families, and blessed us with Lydia who from all accounts is a healthy girl who needs a few double cheeseburgers in her diet. That is a miracle. There is no other explanation. I have never felt burdened to pray for a specific miracle until this journey, and God has not disappointed. He has truly given us more than we could have asked for or imagined. Lydia will always embody the miraculous; we can’t wait to see what’s around the corner.

Thank you so much for praying with us! It is so fun to say…we can’t WAIT for you to meet her… SOON!

Blessings,
Eric and Ashleigh

Thank you

So who are you, sweet daughter of mine? I can't wait to meet you. I am soaking up every detail of your records and staring at your pictures trying to see every little created part of your being. I wonder about your hair - did they shave your little head, or do you just have sticky-uppy hair? You will fit in either way - your brothers both had crazy hair and daddy doesn't have any. I wonder if you will have ponytails when we come to get you.

I wonder what your personality is, what's in your heart, how have you overcome so much already. There have been so many who have loved you in your short life. Those who gave you life, I am sure treasured you for the three months they had you. I imagine that they couldn't bear to part from you and they held you for as long as they could in their country. I wish I could meet them. I wish I could tell them how much we have loved you already. I wish I could explain to them that we will cherish you and bring meaning to the life they have given you. I wish I could say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you from the deepest part of my being.

I will not ever be able to say those thank you's. But I will be able to put my arms around you and bring you the tenderness of a mother. I wait for you sweet one.

The Announcement

I never thought I would be sending this email on April 18, 2008 but I AM!!!!!!! We received a call from our agency on Tuesday afternoon saying that they had a little girl for us to look at. This was after we had been told a few days prior that there were 11 families waiting in front of us who all had basically the same request for a child. A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!! I have no idea how we jumped to the front of the line but I am going to go with MIRACLE! Her special need was "developmental delay (physical growth)" so we were naturally a bit apprehensive, which is why I didn't send out an email saying that we were even entertaining the idea. But the more we looked at her records, the more we saw that she is in fact small but she has reached all of her developmental milestones on time and has grown steadily. She is just tiny! We met with an international adoption pediatrician at CHKD this morning and after thoroughly going over records he indicated that she looked great! He said that he has seen lots of kids come to a good home and drastically improve their growth which may be her case, or, worst case would be that she would always be petite and may struggle a bit in school. He of course gave us no guarantees but was very encouraging. No signs of abnormalities, syndromes, physical defects, etc. WE HAVE A NEW DAUGHTER!!!!!!!

So the million dollar question...when do we get her! Our agency lists 3-5 months as the expected wait time before we travel. So we'll see... Beings that the Olympics are in China in August and the country is expected to shut down, I am thinking more the fall end of things but who knows! We are ready!!!!! WE CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!

Thank you guys so much for praying! Keep praying that we can get her soon, soon, soon! I will write more with all the MANY miracles we have been seeing but I wanted to get this out to all of you asap. I have of coursed attached a picture so you can see our cute little button, Lydia Kate Li Sanzone!

To God be the glory for his MIRACULOUS hand!!!!!

**Her birthday is listed as 12-28-05 so she is 28 months. That is a guesstimate as they don't completely know when she was born. She was abandoned in late March of 2006. Anyway, her and Micah will be buddies (he will be 3 in May)!

still dreaming

i can't think of anyone but you. your sweet face, your crazy hair. you fit. you are meant to be with us. i think. i catch myself going to that place. where you are ours, only ours. where God has done a miracle and we can proclaim him to the outer edges of the earth.

i am trying not to dream but i can't help it. when do we get you? what will you think? when is the party? what will you wear on the airplane? what will i wear? what size are you, you are so tiny! oh wait, you aren't ours quite yet. but i know you will be, i just know.

i am so glad kelly encouraged us to get a doctors appt. on friday. if i had to wait until tuesday i would have died. plus, daddy is leaving and i want to share the joy.

oh my, God is doing a miracle. you are our miraculous one, sweet cherub.

okay...uh...are you sure?

i was up in the bedroom putting on my make-up. i have a meeting tonight with my leadership team. i was dreaming of you. maybe, just maybe, we could get a phone call out of the blue and suddenly you would be ours. i know, we have 11 other families ahead of us but God can do crazy things, can't he? i was dreaming. and then i heard the phone ring. my dream was coming true, yes, it really was. dana called and said she had a little girl for us. okay...what...did you call the wrong person...what's the catch?

i can't believe it. i can't. i just can't. how could this be? are you sure? there were 11 other families in front of us. my heart is racing. you are adorable. your medical files look great. i can't believe this might be you. i am scared to believe, to hope. but it seems right.

we are meeting with the doctor on friday to let him look. please, please, let this be you.

Waiting

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield."
Psalm 34:20

From my dearest friend Kelly who has walked this path of adoption twice. We are praying for you sweet little girl and there will be no friend happier than Kelly to see you in my arms.

Hope

"I'm glad from the inside out, ecstatic; I've pitched my tent in the land of hope." Acts 2:26

from Mary Kruse, who has prayed for you probably more than any other person besides your mommy and daddy

Miracles

The stillness of the night always brings me to you. It reminds me of when I was pregnant and as soon as I laid down, the kicking started. It is the same with this wait. I snuggle down in bed and suddenly my head is swirling with thoughts of you and my heart aches to see your face. I would have never thought I could long for something so distant and unknown but this journey has taught me otherwise. There is no doubt in my mind that you are as much a part of my being as your brothers and sister were. Connected differently, yes. But nevertheless connected. A supernatural connection that defies explainability, a miracle. I remember when Daddy and I were pondering the idea of adoption and we were talking with lots of different people. Over and over we heard, "If you are this attached to a little girl in China then there is no doubt this is from the Lord." It's true. You are from God.

I am struggling with the wait. I wonder why God had us start this journey only to then have to wait so long to meet you. I don't understand it. But I have to accept it. There are times when I am more accepting than others. Tonight, I am caught up in the why's. In my head, I know that God's timing is perfect, that he knows all things, and is only out for our good - both yours and mine. But I don't understand why this journey, why this path, why we must both walk down the endlessly winding road of patience. I hope that someday we will both look back and be able to see that God's timing was indeed perfect. That we met not a day too soon nor a day too late.

We are anxious. Anna Claire prays for you every day that you would come this year. She wants to love on her sister as much as Daddy and I want to hold you in our arms. We are praying for a miracle. We long to see your sweet face and we are believing that God will bring you to us this year, 2008. I don't know how he is going to do it, but that's why he is God and I am not.

I love you. I am praying for you and imagining our days together. How precious it will be to hold you in my arms and not just in my thoughts.

Love,
Mommy

Believing

"Lord, I wait for you; you will answer."
Psalm 38:15

the end of my rope

Many of you have been praying and we certainly owe you an update. I apologize for keeping you waiting and wondering.

We have been told that our agency chose another family to adopt the sweet little girl we had hoped would be ours. As God would have it I was alone when I received the email and so I was able to have a few hours to be sad by myself. In some ways I felt like my baby had been taken from me. And yet the truth is she was never ours. I knew that, but I still cried. I cried that she wouldn’t be ours. I cried that our family is still not complete. I cried that we have yet more twists and turns to navigate. I cried that I had prayed so hard for her to be ours and God had clearly said no. I cried mostly because I felt like I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!

Last night before we went to sleep Eric asked me if I wanted to pray for Lydia. This has become our routine of late but last night the answer was no. My heart was resistant to jumping back into the game – I think I am wearier of this journey than I even realize. I know the right answers and I recite those and hang on to those, but deep in my heart I am tired. This May will mark three years that we have been praying about adoption, two years that we have been in the process. And after this last disappointment I am finding it hard to capture the energy that I need to keep going.

And yet, ironically there is a peace in my soul that I find striking. I know that Lydia is out there and I know that we will find her. My disappointment is not about the little girl we didn’t get. There is not a doubt in my mind that she was not our Lydia. If she was, we would be packing our suitcases. The weariness is in the journey. The voice is loud and clear…“Keep going. She will be found, and the joy will be beyond your comprehension.” There is peace when I allow myself to be still enough to hear that strong voice. If nothing else, this last little twist in the journey gave us a small picture of how exciting it will be when we can call a little girl our own. We dreamt about it this time, but we know that someday that dream will come true.

As for the next step, it is simply to wait. We have no idea when we might have another opportunity. Our guess would be in the next couple of months. We are continuing to pray that God would do a miracle and bring Lydia to us this year. Thank you so much for praying with us. I can’t tell you how much it means to us to know that we are not alone in this journey. It will be fun when we can finally share her with you!

Blessings,
Eric and Ashleigh