still dreaming

i can't think of anyone but you. your sweet face, your crazy hair. you fit. you are meant to be with us. i think. i catch myself going to that place. where you are ours, only ours. where God has done a miracle and we can proclaim him to the outer edges of the earth.

i am trying not to dream but i can't help it. when do we get you? what will you think? when is the party? what will you wear on the airplane? what will i wear? what size are you, you are so tiny! oh wait, you aren't ours quite yet. but i know you will be, i just know.

i am so glad kelly encouraged us to get a doctors appt. on friday. if i had to wait until tuesday i would have died. plus, daddy is leaving and i want to share the joy.

oh my, God is doing a miracle. you are our miraculous one, sweet cherub.

okay...uh...are you sure?

i was up in the bedroom putting on my make-up. i have a meeting tonight with my leadership team. i was dreaming of you. maybe, just maybe, we could get a phone call out of the blue and suddenly you would be ours. i know, we have 11 other families ahead of us but God can do crazy things, can't he? i was dreaming. and then i heard the phone ring. my dream was coming true, yes, it really was. dana called and said she had a little girl for us. okay...what...did you call the wrong person...what's the catch?

i can't believe it. i can't. i just can't. how could this be? are you sure? there were 11 other families in front of us. my heart is racing. you are adorable. your medical files look great. i can't believe this might be you. i am scared to believe, to hope. but it seems right.

we are meeting with the doctor on friday to let him look. please, please, let this be you.

Waiting

"We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield."
Psalm 34:20

From my dearest friend Kelly who has walked this path of adoption twice. We are praying for you sweet little girl and there will be no friend happier than Kelly to see you in my arms.

Hope

"I'm glad from the inside out, ecstatic; I've pitched my tent in the land of hope." Acts 2:26

from Mary Kruse, who has prayed for you probably more than any other person besides your mommy and daddy

Miracles

The stillness of the night always brings me to you. It reminds me of when I was pregnant and as soon as I laid down, the kicking started. It is the same with this wait. I snuggle down in bed and suddenly my head is swirling with thoughts of you and my heart aches to see your face. I would have never thought I could long for something so distant and unknown but this journey has taught me otherwise. There is no doubt in my mind that you are as much a part of my being as your brothers and sister were. Connected differently, yes. But nevertheless connected. A supernatural connection that defies explainability, a miracle. I remember when Daddy and I were pondering the idea of adoption and we were talking with lots of different people. Over and over we heard, "If you are this attached to a little girl in China then there is no doubt this is from the Lord." It's true. You are from God.

I am struggling with the wait. I wonder why God had us start this journey only to then have to wait so long to meet you. I don't understand it. But I have to accept it. There are times when I am more accepting than others. Tonight, I am caught up in the why's. In my head, I know that God's timing is perfect, that he knows all things, and is only out for our good - both yours and mine. But I don't understand why this journey, why this path, why we must both walk down the endlessly winding road of patience. I hope that someday we will both look back and be able to see that God's timing was indeed perfect. That we met not a day too soon nor a day too late.

We are anxious. Anna Claire prays for you every day that you would come this year. She wants to love on her sister as much as Daddy and I want to hold you in our arms. We are praying for a miracle. We long to see your sweet face and we are believing that God will bring you to us this year, 2008. I don't know how he is going to do it, but that's why he is God and I am not.

I love you. I am praying for you and imagining our days together. How precious it will be to hold you in my arms and not just in my thoughts.

Love,
Mommy

Believing

"Lord, I wait for you; you will answer."
Psalm 38:15

the end of my rope

Many of you have been praying and we certainly owe you an update. I apologize for keeping you waiting and wondering.

We have been told that our agency chose another family to adopt the sweet little girl we had hoped would be ours. As God would have it I was alone when I received the email and so I was able to have a few hours to be sad by myself. In some ways I felt like my baby had been taken from me. And yet the truth is she was never ours. I knew that, but I still cried. I cried that she wouldn’t be ours. I cried that our family is still not complete. I cried that we have yet more twists and turns to navigate. I cried that I had prayed so hard for her to be ours and God had clearly said no. I cried mostly because I felt like I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!!!!

Last night before we went to sleep Eric asked me if I wanted to pray for Lydia. This has become our routine of late but last night the answer was no. My heart was resistant to jumping back into the game – I think I am wearier of this journey than I even realize. I know the right answers and I recite those and hang on to those, but deep in my heart I am tired. This May will mark three years that we have been praying about adoption, two years that we have been in the process. And after this last disappointment I am finding it hard to capture the energy that I need to keep going.

And yet, ironically there is a peace in my soul that I find striking. I know that Lydia is out there and I know that we will find her. My disappointment is not about the little girl we didn’t get. There is not a doubt in my mind that she was not our Lydia. If she was, we would be packing our suitcases. The weariness is in the journey. The voice is loud and clear…“Keep going. She will be found, and the joy will be beyond your comprehension.” There is peace when I allow myself to be still enough to hear that strong voice. If nothing else, this last little twist in the journey gave us a small picture of how exciting it will be when we can call a little girl our own. We dreamt about it this time, but we know that someday that dream will come true.

As for the next step, it is simply to wait. We have no idea when we might have another opportunity. Our guess would be in the next couple of months. We are continuing to pray that God would do a miracle and bring Lydia to us this year. Thank you so much for praying with us. I can’t tell you how much it means to us to know that we are not alone in this journey. It will be fun when we can finally share her with you!

Blessings,
Eric and Ashleigh