i have had a rough couple of days with this whole adoption thing. i found myself actually angry with God yesterday. and, well, i might not quite be over that yet. i was already feeling discouraged with our finances due to the always badly timed car repair and then we get an email from our accountant (we have VERY complicated taxes) that read something like this,
"yay! you get a federal tax refund. but, you owe virginia taxes and, you have to pay me, so not so much refund. oh, and by the way, you need to take an additional $110 out each month for taxes."
seriously God? are you kidding me? not only do we get next to nothing back, but now we are making less money than we were five minutes ago. at this point i go into split personalities. the nice pastor's wife brain says, "that's ok. all the more room for God to show us his miraculous power for provision." the less sanctified part of me melts into tears and screams, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING GOD? WE CANNOT DO THIS IF YOU KEEP PULLING THIS CRAP ON US!!!"
and here's where i really battle anger. there is a federal tax credit of $11,000 for adoption. that's right - 99.9% of people who adopt internationally essentially get $11,000 of their money back. not such a bad deal. however, we don't. as referenced above, we fall into an extremely complicated tax situation being "ordained clergy". and part of that complexity is that we do not qualify for the adoption tax credit. so not only are we out $11,000 more than any other family trying to do this (x2,so make that $22,000), but we don't even get anything back in general! oh, and then there's the let's take out more thing. it just doesn't seem like this can possibly be right.
i am struggling. i have to admit that the last 48 hours i have been wrestling with God asking him what in the world he is thinking. give me something to hang my faith on. or maybe, that is what faith is. believing when there is nothing to go on.
i read this in oswald chambers yeserday,
"when God sends his inspiration, it comes to us with such miraculous power that we are able to "arise from the dead" and do the impossible. the remarkable thing about spiritual initiative is that the life and power comes after we "get up and get going." God does not give us overcoming life - He gives us life as we overcome. If we will take the initiative to overcome we will find that we have the inspiration of God, because He immediately give us the power of life."
so i guess i am trying to get myself up and overcome, waiting for God's inspiration and power of life. in my head i know He is there. i KNOW he has called us on this journey. and i KNOW he will provide, somehow. but today, my heart is a long way from my head. it is weary. and scared.