burning bush

eric and i celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary the other day.  and over a scrumptious lunch we said to each other, 'you know, our life really isn't any different than we would have imagined it would be.'

true.  in lots of ways.  in most ways.  and yet as i've thought about that conversation i've realized there is something that isn't so much what i envisioned.  adoption.  yes, we had always thought about adopting a little chinese girl.  but i don't think i ever thought about adopting two.  and i never imagined being so in love with the adoption cause.  i think if you would have asked me about it i would have simply explained our desire for an adoption and it would have ended there.  not this heart-pulling desire to help the chinese orphan.  it has caught me by surprise and i am still processing what it exactly means in my life.

on several occasions lately i have been asked questions like, "if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?" or something along those lines.  and the first thing in my mind, without any hesitation, is to go back to china to help in an orphanage.  not only would i love to do that but i want that for all my children.  i want them to see the plight of the orphan, to see where God rescued lydia and sarahjoy from.  to be able to touch and smell and taste china (however gross that may be...)  i don't care about luxury vacations or even exposing my kids to the great US of A.  what i really care about is the orphan, specifically china's orphans, and providing an opportunity for my kids to become passionate about caring for God's precious children.  and if you had talked to me 14 years ago, that is not where i would have placed my heart.

i probably would have told you i would have a great ministry with teenage girls.  and well, that's not so much happening these days.  nor do i have any desire for that to happen.  at least not for another 7 or so years when i have a small group of teenage girls under my own roof!

and to be honest, i have no idea what to do with this relatively newly discovered, unexpected passion.  yes, we have adopted two kids.  but i don't feel like it ends there.  what's next?  do we actively seek to encourage other families to adopt?  we've certainly been approached by some who are interested but no one seems to really be interested.  maybe they need a gentle push from someone who has been there, who has the fire in their belly.  do we save our pennies and seek to expose our children to china's orphans?  i would love to take them on a trip with 'show hope' or some other organization that does orphan work.  does our influence need to be focused on the next generation, and not necessarily those outside our familial boundaries?  (wouldn't that be incredible for God to give our kids a passion for adoption and we could have grandchildren who were adopted from all around the world?)

or does it involve us personally taking the dive again to bring home another orphan?   let's talk unexpected...this, my friends, is a thought that was completely unexpected 6 months ago, much less 14 years ago.   if you had asked me before traveling to get sarahjoy if we would even ponder doing it again i would have given you an adamant no.  and yet again i find myself in a swirl of emotion wondering if God is calling our family to something that is so crazy and unsettling it makes my stomach turn.

i don't know.  in reading mary beth chapman's book, 'choosing to see', she talks about their decision to adopt and how she asked God for a burning bush.  i fell asleep the other night with that as my prayer.  please, lord, send me a burning bush.  i need to know if this is from you.  i need to know where to go with my passions.  i need you to be clear.  really clear God.  

i have no idea where we are going on this journey.  i would like to know.  really would like to know.

God, burning bush.  burning.  bush.  really.  clear.  i NEED a really clear burning bush!  k?


Kirsten said...

oh, how well i know this feeling. i feel like i've been asking the same thing, although i probably haven't been "knocking on the door" as persistently as i should be. we've been on this journey for so long, with no real sense of clear direction, and i am at the point where i am saying, "okay, lord, would you just WHACK me over the head or something and just tell me what you WANT already?" i need the earthquake, the wind, the fire. not the still, small whisper, lol.

Rebecca said...

Hi! I've been a blog-stalker here for months:) I just wanted you to know what an inspiration you are to me! My husband and I have talked about adoption many times. I know the process takes a while, so I feel like it's a "now or never" situation (but that's purely 'me' talkin)...so I'm asking for a burning bush myself. Can't wait to see what the answer is, for both of us!