pointing fingers

i have been avoiding writing a post.  i suppose because i feel like there is nothing dramatic going on.  no one has stopped breathing.  we aren't teetering between life and death.  we are doing the daily routines.  figuring out life.

and it is hard.  i know that a lot of you are silently saying, "i told you so!"  but i am ignoring you.  and i have many things to say to that sentiment but i need to be thinking a bit more clearly.

we knew it would be hard.  it is no surprise.  i have welcomed four children into our family and every time it is a big adjustment.  the fifth is no different.  for those people who say, "once you have three, another one is no big deal,"  well, i just don't think they have actually done it.  or they're lying.  because with every new child comes more work and more responsibility and less time and less energy.  and with every child there is more 'MOMMY!!!!  I NEED YOU!!!!' and less time to give to each call for attention.  it's a balancing act and it takes time to figure it all out.  but it's hard.

sarahjoy is a miracle, let's not forget that!  but she is also two.  and quite spoiled - given that she has had my undivided attention essentially since we first held her in china.  barring a few days of regular family life before surgery, she has been my primary focus.  and she is really not happy when she doesn't have me all to herself.  she does not like me doing anything that doesn't involve her being within 12 inches of me (including sleeping) and she certainly doesn't like me snuggling with her brothers and sisters!  she obviously doesn't speak english, and i don't know that she really speaks chinese either.  i think most of it is baby babble.  but she refuses to point or gesture and instead stands and whines.  a pointing finger would seriously be the best gift from st. patrick i could possibly imagine (if in fact ol' pat gave gifts.)  meanwhile, i get to play the game of figuring out what in the world she wants.  hungry, thirsty, a toy maybe?  does your incision hurt?  is there something else going on medically?or maybe your two year molars?  do you need something else i'm not thinking of?  or...do you just need me.  thankfully, my mother-in-law has been here and has been a LIFE SAVER.  but she leaves tuesday and i have this crazy life all to myself.  help!!!!!  how do i do a whiny two year old, four other kids, a husband, and a household?

so come tuesday, i may be a puddle on the floor.  and if you can't find me there, check the closets.  or the local chocolate shop.  i may have run away.  i'll come back, though.  cause i have to have a chat with all you i-told-you-so peeps.


Kimberly said...

I remember your MIL, Kathy. She was always so sweet to me!
Just because it is hard, doesn't mean it isn't the very right thing to do. No one should point fingers at you. If they have time to do that, they should be lending a hand instead! You and your family are in my family's prayers.

Cristina said...

hey ashleigh,
hang in there girl you are in the thik of it in a big way. i admire you and eric so much..you both are a hero to sj. i think what you guys did has been so courageous!!!i am praying for strength and peace!

John and Karen said...

Hang in there, Ashley. I remember "gray hair moments" (those ones when I can feel the hairs on my head turning gray) in which I told myself aloud "Just take the next step." Somehow I am looking back on many of those, better for the wear. (and I KNOW there will always be more to come.)

Kristen and Jonathan said...

I'm sure you never said this would be easy and this crazy load of 5 kiddos is exactly what God has called you to. I love it! Your honesty has been refreshing and a constant reminder that whatever our circumstances...we need God, desperately! We love you all like crazy and continue to lift you up in prayer despite the distance. I can't imagine the adjustment. We only have one kiddo and that was an adjustment in and of itself I can hardly imagine four more added on, not yet anyways. Hang in there. I wish I lived a bit closer so that I could lend a helping hand, although Aiden might just add to the chaos. Love ya Ashleigh!

babs said...

Life is not blissful but maybe 5% of the time, if you are lucky. The rest of the days are pretty tough - that's just life. For those who said, "I told you so", send them a congratulations. For standing up to the challenge then and now, I say a bigger CONGRATS! You both are right! The difference is: You aren't weak, or wrong, or crazy. You are TIRED!
One day at a time with a 15 minute nap thrown in will get the job done - little by little. Life will always be crazy/ interesting at your house but soon, the whining will stop and you will be SanzoneNormal again.
TAKE A NAP! I know you could do that in any given closet at any given moment. LOVE YOU!