a little game

i wish that i were not so critical. i wish i could turn off the part of my brain that silently commentates on way too many things. i wish i could just love people and not imagine the conversation i would have if they asked, "what do you think?" (of course, i would never actually tell them because i don't talk; but i might use them as an illustration in my book...) i wish i could not be so arrogant as to think i can possibly understand the situations people find themselves in. i wish i could truly believe that i might not have the best answer. because let's face it, most of the time i think i have a pretty good one.

just for fun, so you can rest easy knowing that ashleigh has a long way to go in her righteousness, we'll play a game. you know, because i love to be real.

let's play a game of get-in-ashleigh's-brain. (warning: explicit thought life revealed)

situation #1 - talking with someone and they mention that they do not have enough money for a (fairly inexpensive) plane ticket for a once in a lifetime family experience.

my silent commentary, the pastor's wife version - really? you don't have enough money? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? you both work, you have good paying jobs, you have no kids at home? you are telling me that with a double-income-no-children family you cannot come up with enough money for a plane ticket? do you know how much money my husband makes? do you know that i don't work? do you know that we have 4 kids? and i could come up with money for a plane ticket.

my silent commentary, unedited - what the hell are you doing with all of your money? you have not one crap of a second to complain about not having money. try managing it.

situation #2 - a lovely round-bellied woman agonizes over how uncomfortable she is. pregnancy is horrible, she says. and she can't wait for it to be over.

edited commentary from ashleigh's brain - you have nerve, my friend. you, the one with the miracle being performed within your body, right this very second. do you know how many women, many who stand silent around you, would give anything to be in your shoes? do you know how many tens of thousands of dollars couples have spent to be where you are? do you know the pain that infertility brings upon lives and the havoc it wreaks on marriages? just close your mouth. just be quiet. cause you don't have one single excuse for your complaints.

unedited version - you selfish jerk (okay, that's still a little edited). how could you be so heartless? how could you even think about complaining about a miracle? so what, you're uncomfortable. so are a lot of people in this world. and their discomfort doesn't end in new life and cute smiles. nope, they just suffer. how can you be so focused on your self that despite knowing the pain of infertility is present around you, you continue to frown and groan of the awfulness of the miraculous. just shut up. don't even open your mouth. your self-absorption and insensitivity make me want to vomit.

nice, huh? you never knew i was filled with such graciousness and mercy.

i don't know. part of me wants to hold on to my commentaries. i find them true and honest. i mean seriously, take those two very real scenarios in my life and tell me how i am not supposed to have an opinion?

and yet, i wrestle with knowing that a critical spirit is not what God wants from me. and i would love to replace criticism with joy and be one of those people that is so full of happiness you walk away wondering what magic pill they put in their fruit loops. you won't find me being accused of strange amounts of happiness anytime soon.

is it who God made me to be, maybe an unrefined part of discernment or compassion? a good thing that hasn't quite been perfected? or is it a nasty part of my soul that needs gutting.

i don't know. i feel like i am not comfortable in who i am, but don't know who i am supposed to be. i'm conflicted. i'm frustrated that negativity and criticism are my most faithful friends.

sometimes i want to crawl in a hole and not be around anyone. maybe then i could turn off the brain, leave the commentary on pause, and just be. just be.


Claire said...

I hear you on this one- I have a major tendency towards criticism. Sometimes I do think I'm "right"- that my judgement makes sense, so somehow that justifies my thoughts and opinions. What I'm usually doing, though, is judging, not just assessing or forming my own opinion- there's often comparison, jealousy, or bitterness involved. Let me know if you figure this out- I'll be all ears :)