the how of it all

one thing i did during lydia's adoption journey was try to record the times i felt like God was speaking. it is so easy to forget if it isn't written down and then i start to wonder if God is being silent. no, he's not, i just have a bad memory. time and again i looked back at the promises God had given us for Lydia and they were an encouragement every time. and they still are.

i haven't been so good about that with this one. God is definitely moving, i'm not sure where exactly, but he is taking us to a point located outside of the comfort zone! i need to record it. i was just saying to a friend the other day that i need God to be C-L-E-A-R...i think part of that is me not only listening, but recording his voice.

so i was sitting in bible study today - we are doing beth moore's esther along with the rest of the country. the lecture today was quite academic and i was struggling to follow. but towards the end was one of those moments where i heard God. loud and clear. beth brought to our attention, "it is not our responsibility to figure out the how of our circumstances, but to simply act in obedience."

i don't know that anything would have addressed our latest thoughts on adoption better unless it included writing in the sky. as eric and i continue to pray about ethiopian adoption, both of us are very nervous about raising a black child. we have no idea how to do that. it is a HUGE undertaking. it would be silly to think otherwise. but this morning, i felt like God saying, "don't worry about the how's of it, just obey". really? don't i need to be a little concerned when i bring home a sweet cherub and have no idea how to raise her to be a whole, well-adjusted, Godly young woman? knowing that our family will encounter all sorts of challenges, don't i need to know just a little bit how to do that? seriously, i don't even know how to do her hair!

that's where my flesh leads me. i need to get some answers before we do this thing! but maybe God just needs our obedience. maybe i don't have to feel comfortable, or even have my big toe sort of crossing into the comfort zone. maybe it's okay to not have any answers.

of course, as soon as i write this, i already hear voices in my head (some of people i dearly love and respect) who say that is a really foolish way to live life. you don't just do things and hope for the best. you can't run out and buy a car and let God figure out how you are going to pay for it! and you can't bring a black child into a VERY caucasian family and just expect it to work out. i know. that's what i think too. which is why God is teaching me and prodding me to listen to him, not my own carnal thoughts and wisdom. it seems his way is always backwards from our way.

obedience. without the how's. that's a big calling. not sure i am ready for that.


em and pete said...

Hey Ashleigh,

We're in the midst of our wait for our child, and I still sometimes fear the unknown...our child will most likely be African-Colombian...we've done so much reading, so much research, have sought out diversity in our lives, and still, it's scary. But the fact of the matter is, we're finally having to deal with the issues that other families HAVE to deal with...racism in our country and our own lives. We will have to help our child (even our bio daughter) develop a healthy racial identity..but everything I've read tells us we can't do it alone, we have to rely on friends who share our child's ethnicity, and, of course, trust in the power of God. God willing, we can teach all our children to identify first as Christians, then as an ethnicity, etc. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that even about a year into the process, I'm nervous, too. :) But I think that's a GOOD thing...admitting we don't know. We're praying for your family as you continue down the path toward your next child. Adoption has been a much harder, yet very miraculous road...I'm sure you're experiencing such a wide range of emotions since you've already done it once! I'm just trying to trust God for patience during the wait. God bless! Emily Johnson