Growing and growing and growing and...

I’ve had lots of people ask about Lydia so I guess it’s time for an update! I suppose the reason I haven’t corresponded sooner is that the news is simply frustrating and something that at times I don’t even want to talk about because the emotions are so tender.

To state it simply, the wait continues to grow. If we were to calculate our wait based on current activity coming out of China, it would be FIVE YEARS!!!!!!! When we began this process a year and a half ago, we were preparing for our new baby to join us by this Christmas. Now, we are preparing to continue with our lives for many years before we will see our daughter’s face. For me, it is painful. As I have said many times before, I am in love with her as if she is in my own womb and to continually be told that I cannot see her for years to come provokes a deep sadness.

“Why the ridiculous wait?” is of course what we hear so often. To answer simply, no one knows. China sends out referrals (pictures and information on adoptive children) at the beginning of each month to agencies throughout the world. It used to be that in a month’s time they would cover 6-8 weeks of submitted applications. Currently, they are covering 6 days worth of applications; this summer it slowed to an all-time low of 2 days worth of applications per month. China has said that they are working on speeding back up but no one knows if or when that will happen. There has been some talk that China has slowed down in order to refine their adoption process – in essence, a short term loss for a long term gain. But the truth is simply that no one really knows or understands what is going on. As we are reminded by our agency, it is difficult for us to comprehend the why’s of our own government; it is that much more impossible for anyone to really understand what is going on with the Chinese government.

As all of this takes place, I have to rest in the sovereignty of God and that he certainly knows what is best for our family. But that does not always negate the pain that pokes at me. As Micah has reached 2 ½, I have found myself battling to stay positive. Bottom line, I am ready for another baby. We have never had a 2 ½ year old without having a new baby and I am ready for the next one! I can force myself to think of the positive aspects of “starting over” in a few years and bringing home a little baby when everyone is in school, but that was not our plan! And grieving the loss of a dream is exactly that, a process of grief.

So for now, I am sad. Recently I was looking at the list I had made last January for our 2007 Christmas budget and there was Lydia’s name with an amount for her presents. Just as other losses seem so raw during the holidays, her absence has been especially difficult for me these past weeks. And yet, this season also reminds me of God’s perfect plan. So I continue to seek the peace that Christmas promises and look forward to the day that we can embrace our new baby girl and pile presents under the tree for her sweet self.

Thank you for all of your prayers. And thank you for continuing to ask about Lydia. It is always encouraging to me that people remember and are walking with us. Someday, hopefully sooner than 5 years from now, we will be able to share her together.

Christmas blessings,
Ashleigh