thankful, part II

and to finish our list of 60...

• i am thankful for mrs. whaley's english classes who have prayed faithfully over the last few months
• i am thankful for a dad who has thoroughly embraced our crazy adoption adventures (after a bit of a pause...)
• i am thankful for little tiny rocking chairs for little tiny girls
• i am thankful for pajama pants
• i am thankful for a person in florida who i have never met who sent us a check
• i am thankful for a loving birthmother who placed sarahjoy in a safe place before saying goodbye forever
• i am thankful that i can walk in the room and sarahjoy instantly stops crying
• i am thankful for chili's  (english classes...why is there an apostrophe there?)
• i am thankful for a heart that kept going despite being twice its normal size and completely overworked
• i am thankful for xrays so we know what's going on in her lungs
• i am thankful for pizza gift cards
• i am thankful for people who i meet for lunch and hand me money
• i am thankful for a one pound weight gain in one week! (for sarahjoy that is, not me, although i'm running a close second...)
• i am thankful for antibiotics
• i am thankful for great friends who invite themselves over for dinner
• i am thankful for hot showers
• i am thankful for college kids who love our family and babysit for free over spring break
• i am thankful for sarahjoy's cries, even if they do last for way too long at naptime
• i am thankful for disposable diapers
• i am thankful for full nights of sleep (what are those again?)
• i am thankful for consignment stores that give me money to pad my clothing budget
• i am thankful for weekends
• i am thankful for PBS kids
• i am thankful for sweet tea
• i am thankful for PICUS and IV's and breathing monitors
• i am thankful for family reunions 
• i am thankful for a praying, God-fearing Mimi who has lived to see an enormous return on her investments in her children
• i am thankful for two little twin sisters of Makiah that fill their mom and dad's arms again
• i am thankful for josiah, annaclaire, micah, lydia and sarahjoy for being the cutest and most amazing kids any mom could ask for 
• i am thankful for eric who hands down is the best father and husband a woman could ever imagine

missing our little itsy...a new family pic is coming soon!  but dang aren't those kids the cutest!

thankful

so many things about sarahjoy's journey are reasons to be thankful and proclaim God's faithfulness.  in honor of the 60 days she has been with us here are 30 things i am thankful for (people, i cannot think of 60 good ones tonight, operating on about 4 hours of sleep!)

• i am thankful for God pricking our hearts for adoption.  
• i am thankful for God providing every penny for us to travel to china.  
• i am thankful for a brood of loving children who have embraced their new little sister like she has been here forever.  
• i am thankful for friends who have been spoiling us with delicious meals.
• i am thankful for a pediatrician who noticed the need to get us to a cardiologist.
• i am thankful for an amazing surgeon who i think would take sarahjoy home if he could.
• i am thankful for a children's hospital that is literally 20 minutes from my door.
• i am thankful for nurses and doctors who don't freak out when a child quits breathing.
• i am thankful for a mother in law who went above and beyond in caring for our kids for three weeks.
• i am thankful for a husband who has set aside getting to work early and instead has been going in a bit later in order to get the kids breakfast every morning.
• i am thankful for naps.
• i am thankful for a little girl who loves to kiss me and give me hugs, even though she's only known me for 2 months.
• i am thankful for a mom who could be beside me during the most harrowing 30 minutes of my life.
• i am thankful for a comfortable home and plenty of stuff to make life easy.
• i am thankful for the multitude of people who gave sacrificially to bring our little girl home.
• i am thankful for china who allows us to adopt their precious princesses.
• i am thankful for a church family who has prayed faithfully for sarahjoy and loves her to death when she walks in the door.
• i am thankful for health insurance.
• i am thankful for a government that allows me to heat my home if i so choose (which i do, to a nice comfy 70 degrees)
• i am thankful for warm cozy blankets to snuggle with while i'm laying on the floor of sarahjoy's room.
• i am thankful for a little girl who loves to nestle right up to me when we're in bed together (which currently is way too often, but i'll still be thankful.)
• i am thankful for the family who has lent us their car for the past few weeks while my mother in law was here.
• i am thankful for our adoption agency who provided a seamless adoption process.
• i am thankful for president obama and his new laws about adoption expenses and tax refunds.
• i am thankful for completely unexpected gifts towards sarahjoy's medical expenses.
• i am thankful for babygap gift cards so sarahjoy can at least have a couple of things to call her own.
• i am thankful for husbands who love me in spite of an ever increasing waistline thanks to a plethora of stress lately.
• i am thankful for cameron and rachel who allowed us to name our little one sarahjoy makiah so we can always remember that little blond angel.
• i am thankful for people who gave us change from their piggy bank and people who gave us $10,000 and every one in between.
• i am thankful for sarahjoy.

pointing fingers

i have been avoiding writing a post.  i suppose because i feel like there is nothing dramatic going on.  no one has stopped breathing.  we aren't teetering between life and death.  we are doing the daily routines.  figuring out life.

and it is hard.  i know that a lot of you are silently saying, "i told you so!"  but i am ignoring you.  and i have many things to say to that sentiment but i need to be thinking a bit more clearly.

we knew it would be hard.  it is no surprise.  i have welcomed four children into our family and every time it is a big adjustment.  the fifth is no different.  for those people who say, "once you have three, another one is no big deal,"  well, i just don't think they have actually done it.  or they're lying.  because with every new child comes more work and more responsibility and less time and less energy.  and with every child there is more 'MOMMY!!!!  I NEED YOU!!!!' and less time to give to each call for attention.  it's a balancing act and it takes time to figure it all out.  but it's hard.

sarahjoy is a miracle, let's not forget that!  but she is also two.  and quite spoiled - given that she has had my undivided attention essentially since we first held her in china.  barring a few days of regular family life before surgery, she has been my primary focus.  and she is really not happy when she doesn't have me all to herself.  she does not like me doing anything that doesn't involve her being within 12 inches of me (including sleeping) and she certainly doesn't like me snuggling with her brothers and sisters!  she obviously doesn't speak english, and i don't know that she really speaks chinese either.  i think most of it is baby babble.  but she refuses to point or gesture and instead stands and whines.  a pointing finger would seriously be the best gift from st. patrick i could possibly imagine (if in fact ol' pat gave gifts.)  meanwhile, i get to play the game of figuring out what in the world she wants.  hungry, thirsty, a toy maybe?  does your incision hurt?  is there something else going on medically?or maybe your two year molars?  do you need something else i'm not thinking of?  or...do you just need me.  thankfully, my mother-in-law has been here and has been a LIFE SAVER.  but she leaves tuesday and i have this crazy life all to myself.  help!!!!!  how do i do a whiny two year old, four other kids, a husband, and a household?

so come tuesday, i may be a puddle on the floor.  and if you can't find me there, check the closets.  or the local chocolate shop.  i may have run away.  i'll come back, though.  cause i have to have a chat with all you i-told-you-so peeps.

almonds, cashews, pecans

on behalf of all the people who have said it before, either to our face or quietly discussing it when we're out of earshot (and there's a lot of you.)

WE ARE CRAZY!!!!!!!!!  

WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE WE THINKING!?!??!?!?!

i love that little girl, love her to bits, but she's is driving me nuts.  currently, we're going on hour 3 of trying to get her to sleep.  driving me nuts.

and that's about all i have to say today.  driving me nuts.

treasure

good news from the cardiologist today!!

sarahjoy's heart looks great.  the surgery was successful in closing the hole.  we will continue to monitor every month to keep an eye on the pressures.  which is the big question mark because her defect was not corrected until she was 2.  right now, the pressure on one side of her heart is 3 times higher than the other side.  over time, with a healthy heart, that pressure will hopefully subside as the lungs recover from being overworked the last two years.  she is on medication currently to help with this, and will continue for the forseeable future.  but all of that is no surprise to anyone and is 'normal' for her situation.  overall, things are good.

her left lung is still a bit junky.  we will have a chest x-ray next week before our surgical follow up and they will take a look at the lungs.  again, not a surprise there but they want to keep an eye on it.

i did ask about her non-silent, non-rhythmic breathing while she is sleeping.  there may be some sleep apnea going on which we can address after we get through this initial heart stuff.  i asked the doc generally about what i was hearing.  eric cut to the chase for me and said, "basically ashleigh is wanting to know if sarahjoy is going to die in the middle of the night."  nothing like being totally forthright and getting right down to my fears!  the doctor's response, "well, we don't tend to see that sort of thing happen."  not exactly what i wanted to hear but eric reminded me that a doctor is never going to say never.  true, good point.   we are going to try and get her on videotape during the night to bring to our next appointment.  and if he feels like it would be a good thing, we will do a sleep study and see what's going on.  i don't think this has anything to do with her heart issue, but i am not sure on that one.

her incision is looking fabulous.  i'll have to take some pictures and post them.  it is pretty amazing.  obviously it is major scar, but it is looking really good.  and speaking of pictures, our camera decided to quit working but as soon as i get that worked out i have got to get some pics up here of our beautiful smiley little girl!

God has chosen to give us a great blessing in bringing sarahjoy home (debt free) and allowing her to be healed by modern medicine.  why he has chosen to bestow on us tremendous favor, i don't know.  but i want to be clear.  he has done this for us.  this whole sarahjoy journey is not of our own doing.  this is a God story.  he alone could have orchestrated all of these events.  he alone could take an abandoned baby girl in the middle of rural china and place her in a loving family on the other side of the world at just the right time for successful medical intervention.  and he alone could provide every dollar that was needed.  and he alone could give her breath again.  and he alone has her life in his hands.  we are thankful and we treasure her with everything we have.  but ultimately, she is God's and her story is about Him.

she is beautiful.  her eyes light up when she sees her daddy.  and disappear when she smiles.  her grin would melt the hardest of hearts.  she is our treasure and tonight we thank God for his gift to us.  for our treasure.

six sets of hands

every once in a while life brings you an event that changes your perspective, gives you a new outlook on things you otherwise might pass over.  maybe even changes who you are.  rarely is it anticipated.  it comes.  and the days tick by.  and it may go. but life is never again the same.

i was watching as my baby lay lifeless on the bed.  moments ago she had been fine.  we were a day out from surgery and i was stroking her midnight hair as she lay peacefully recovering.  all her monitors said she was doing great.  and then in an instant there was nothing.  no movement.  the nurse began to shake her.  'breathe, sarahjoy, breathe!'  there was no response.  i watched in horror as my baby slipped away.  there was no warning, no indication anything was wrong.  her body simply stopped.  'sarahjoy!  mommy is here!  BREATHE!'  as they swarmed the bed i moved to the corner.  by this time my mouth screamed and my cheeks were flooded as i watched.  i could still see my little girl, in between the bodies of the nurses and doctors attending to her, but there was no life.  no breath.

i cried out.  'this isn't supposed to happen!  she's dying! she's gone!  we should have never done the surgery!  my baby!!!!'

i don't know how long they worked on her.  maybe 30 minutes before the medical staff began to disperse.  before my cries subsided and i began to sense that this wasn't the end.   i remember walking out of the PICU, down the hall and wondering what in the world had just happened.   i took my sweatshirt off and put on a tshirt.  i was sweating.  my body felt like i had run a marathon.  i was exhausted.

and now those minutes haunt me.  i close my eyes and there she is again.  laying there breathless.  six sets of hands working to bring my princess back to life.  i can't sleep.  i walk into her bedroom, trying not to panic, but scared that my nightmare is reality.  i check for her breathing.  i lay beside her and watch her chest go up and down.  i listen.  it all sounds good.  but it sounded good before.  and then it was bad.  really bad.  i'm scared.

those 30 minutes have changed my perspective.  they have changed me.  and not the least of those changes has been my renewed and incredibly deep sympathies for my sweet cousin rachel and her husband cameron.  who can never open their eyes and wake up from their nightmare.  they will never walk into their little makiah's room and be able to see that she is okay.  my heart breaks for you in a whole new way.

we see the cardiologist tomorrow for our first follow up visit.  maybe then i can gain some peace.


***for those who have been following rachel and cameron's journey, their baby girls were born last tuesday!  abigail kaitlyn (6 lbs) and alena kaitlyn (4.13 lbs)  were healthy and went home with mom and dad on friday!  the family continues to grieve and miss makiah but is thankful for full arms once again.


 

sweetness

home is surely sweet.

we are all back as a family.  sarahjoy has now spent almost equal time with us in china, at our home, and in the hospital.  so needless to say, she is still getting adjusted.  poor kid doesn't know where she belongs.  but she does know who loves her.  and her little smile is bright and beautiful these days in my arms.  i even got a few giggles today.  

she is doing great.  i have to admit it is a bit unnerving having her home and knowing that it is my responsibility to tell if something is wrong.  last night she slept with me and i spent most of the night listening to her breathing.  when it was loud, i wondered if i should call the doctor.  when it was quiet, i worried she was gone.  i didn't get much sleep.  it's her heart for crying out loud!  talk about stressful.

we will see the pediatrician tomorrow to check on her pneumonia.  hopefully that's all that will happen.  i am still so nervous about something going wrong and us ending back in the hospital.  we see the cardiologist on monday and the surgeon the following week.  i will be thankful when we get the all clear from the three of them.  or at least i am hoping we get some sort of all clear or else i am going to need some blood pressure meds.  although, we've maxed out our insurance deductible for sarahjoy for this whole year already, so i say bring on the doctors and all their expensive tests - they're free! : )

life will get back to normal.  right?  at least our new normal.  i am anxious for that to come.  i feel so out of sorts.  with the holidays coming right before we left for china i feel like i haven't really been in a good routine since the fall.  because of us 'sequestering' sarahjoy prior to her surgery, i haven't even been to church since christmas eve i don't think.  even this introvert is ready to see some of the outside world!  trying to take one day at a time knowing that one plus one equals two and then four and then maybe a new normal.

thank you so much for your continued support.  we are incredibly blessed.