one day at a time

Let me first say that I am so thankful for the prayers on sarahjoy’s behalf.  This is one of those times that I really need someone else doing that work for me.  thank you.  And please keep going.

This surgery stuff is not for the faint of heart (aren’t I hilarious?)  essentially sarahjoy is stable, but there is lots of stuff that is stable because of things that are being regulated courtesy of modern medicine.  

Her body is having to work really hard to breathe which is the essence of the challenges right now.  She has been on oxygen since surgery, they had weaned her down to a very minimal amount, but then today she went back to really struggling and so her oxygen is back up.  she continues to sleep 95% of the time but is much more peaceful than the first couple of days.  and she is actually sleeping as opposed to simply being sedated.   She has been awake for a few minutes today and she did drink some apple juice and ate some jello and thoroughly enjoyed it.   And by ‘enjoy’ I mean that she barely opened her mouth and let me put it in as opposed to being completely out of it or clenching her teeth.  Of course, she then threw it up so now we have another challenge…

When she has been mildly alert for a few minutes I have noticed that she has the same look in her eyes and on her face that she had at home when she was really scared.  She wouldn’t cry, she would just get this look in her eyes, get flush in the face and her lip would quiver.  It was as if she wasn’t allowing herself to cry, trying to be strong even though she was scared out of her mind.   Which I am sure is a conditioned behavior based on the love and care (or lack there of) she has received over the past 2+ years.  Not having told any of my thoughts to the doctor, he stated in rounds this morning that he felt like though she was in pain, instead of crying and letting us know she was being stoic - taking very shallow breaths trying to ‘splint’ herself against the pain and forcing her heart rate up and her respirations to increase (not good).   He ordered pain medication whether she is acting like she is in pain or not to try and relax her and allow her breathe deeply and regularly.  I know she is so scared. 

There is no telling what reversals have taken place in the emotional process of transitioning to a new family.   And I really believe some of that is playing into this whole healing thing as does the doctor.   I tried to hold her today but her vitals were not tolerating it so she is back in bed.  They have since changed some things so hopefully I can try again and she will tolerate it. 

I think she’s going to be okay, eventually.  But no one is saying that we are going home any time soon.  Whether that is days or weeks, I have no idea.  She has already shown us that one hour she can be doing great and seem to be really improving and the next hour her numbers are not good.   Which, of course, is why we are in the ICU.  She needs constant, vigilant care.  And I am so thankful for where we are. 

Thank you for your prayers.  They are sustaining us.  Truly.