grinchy heart

i always say that i love christmas. and i do. but a more accurate statement would be to say that i love the month before christmas. all of the fun things to do and the anticipation of what will be.

i can't remember a christmas night when i didn't go to bed sad.

and tonight's no different. i feel sad that my kids didn't get to open tons of presents. that the thrill of a mountain of gifts that takes 3 hours to get through wasn't part of their christmas memories. i feel sad that i am apparently so picky that once again i chose my own gifts, wrapped them, and handed them to eric to "give" me. no anticipation there. i feel sad that no matter what i choose for eric it is never right. he always chooses to take it back. i HATE that. it hurts my feelings and makes me say to him (with a very grinchy heart), 'forget it! i am never buying you anything again.' who wants to put time and energy into something only to have them take it back. buy your own stupid gifts. (hmmm...sounds like someone else)

i hate christmas nite. i feel sad and torn. i love that my kids go to bed tonight with presents i know they will enjoy for a long time. there were no gifts given that will break tomorrow or be tossed aside within a few days. but they didn't have lots to open. the magic of christmas was limited to a few presents, and then it was over. the american image of present after present with piles of boxes didn't happen in our house this year. that makes me sad. i want to give my kids lots of presents! good ones. i want to spend hundreds of dollars on each kid and have christmas last the whole day. i love presents. i love the joyful faces. i love the screams of delight. i love big bear hugs when they get exactly what they wanted.

if i am looking for the other side, i can be happy that we don't have credit cards to pay off and that ache that comes with financial strain is not part of my christmas. we were frugal, we spent what we had, and no more. and for that i am proud. that part makes me smile. but sometimes it seems like it would be a better choice to go down the other path. to spend lavishly and just enjoy the moment. embrace the gift-giving. throw the frugality out the window.

i hate that i don't have a lot of money. i know it isn't what life is about and i know i own the most important things, but let's face it; money may not buy happiness but it buys a lot of other things. i would love to get the kids a crazy amount of presents and see their big eyes and grins. i dream of boxes from the Gap just for me, some perfume, a couple things for the house, and a piece of jewelry. i want to give my family members a few gifts and not just one. there is a part of me that gets angry that i can't do that. that my kids will have to go to school and realize they didn't get everything that everyone else did. i get angry when i hear anna claire say with sweetness and a tender heart, "that's all? i only have one more gift?" yep, that's all. life stinks. merry christmas.

i get that my heart is completely in the wrong place and what i should be doing if i were a good christian is meditating on Jesus and be thankful for him and forgetting all the material things of this world. but i'm not. nope, not there. i am sad and trying to hold back tears. i hate this night.

and there's that thing about adopting another little girl. and the wallet gets thinner and the presents get less. and i don't care, because i want to hold another little girl. but i do care, because i am crying tonight. over presents. over stupid material things that are not going to matter in a month.

i hate christmas night.

and while i am in a bad mood, let's talk about the other thing i hate. tight jeans. as in used-to-fit-but-are-now-too-tight jeans. i hate them. and christmas reminds me that a year has passed, that the jeans are tighter than before, and i have once again had no will-power to confront the obvious. one of these days i would love to wake up and not have my waistline be the first thought of the day.

i am sad. and angry. and discontent. and frustrated. at myself. at everyone else.

merry christmas.