clues

as i write, i am laying in bed in a dark room, listening to my precious baby girl snore like an old grandpa.  she is in the pack 'n play, i in her bed.  both of us together so that when she awakes every couple of hours i can whisper in her ear that mama is here, rub her belly, and send her back to dreamland.  it is a sweetness between mom and baby that i haven't had in awhile.  and one for which i am immeasurably more grateful for tonight.

the first clue should have been when our pediatrician mentioned on monday that she could find no signs that sarahjoy was in heart failure. heart failure???  the second clue should have been when i heard her on the phone with the cardiologist's office, 'i understand this is not your regular routine but she needs to be seen this week.'  the third clue should have been when we were sitting in the cardiology office no less than 48 hours later.

open heart surgery is what the doctor has ordered.  sooner rather than later.  if sj were born in the states, her heart would have been fixed within the first 6 months of life.  without being melodramatic, she is on borrowed time.

i knew something was wrong the minute i held her.  i told eric i couldn't sleep because i was afraid she was going to die while we were in china.  we laughed it off (as i regularly have crazy fears...think fiery plane crashes) but i knew in my gut that something was not right.  at one point i looked up on the internet what a normal heart rate for a 2 year old was.  my gut told me my baby's heart was sick.  i was anxious to get home so that someone could tell me i was being irrational.  after all, we had been told it was a small hole in her heart, probably would heal on its own and if not there would possibly be surgery before she entered school.  open heart surgery was the worst case, super bad news scenario.

so i lay here listening to my baby breathe in and out.  knowing now that her heart is working four times harder than it should be.  knowing that in a few weeks her chest will be cracked open and her life will literally be in the hands of a doctor.  but also knowing that she has been rescued from certain death in the orphanages of china.  knowing and thanking God that he brought her home at just the right time.  thankful that i was prompted in my heart to make an appointment with our pediatrician, before we even left for china, for the day after we came home.  thankful that our pediatrician was gentle with us but aggressive on the phone and made sure we were sitting in the cardiology office.  thankful for the gracious and compassionate cardiologist who knew he was dealing us a heavy blow and did it with great sensitivity and care.  thankful that we have a renowned children's hospital 20 minutes from our house.  and mostly thankful that God is with me and my baby girl.

tonight i am choosing to be thankful.

but i am scared.