ache

spring has sprung here in our parts and whether it is the season or something intuitive, i can't stop thinking about our baby girl. i had not been feeling attached to her like i was with lydia - maybe it just seemed so far off or it was the 2nd time around. i don't know, but nevertheless, that distance is all but gone and not a day goes by that i am not thinking about sweet sarahjoy. that ache is there in my gut and its presence will no doubt be felt until the day i hold her. it's the miracle of adoption; that somehow God weaves in you a bold and vulnerable love for a child that is yet a stranger. how that is i don't know, but i am experiencing it for the second time and it is no less real than my three pregnancies.

i dream about the princess. what she looks like, when we will get to hold her. how old will she be and what her special needs will be. should her room be pink or yellow, what will lydia think, how will the boys react to being WAY outnumbered! : )

and so it goes. this part is the hardest. i feel like i am in my last month of pregnancy when you can't wait to get your little hands on that baby and every day you wake up and think, "what if this is the day!" but alas, there is no 'day' anytime soon. we wait and we wait and we wait. and sometime, hopefully before the end of 2010 we will see our baby (and God help us all if she is actually a baby)

so what's going on? our first set of paperwork (the 'homestudy') should have been done a month ago. in typical adoption form, there has been one setback after another and so we are hoping to have it in our hands by april 1st. if we don't, i may be found on the front page of the paper (or the local jail). then we go to our second set of paperwork, 'USCIS' (aka immigration). then the 3rd set of paperwork, the 'dossier'. the dossier's documents have all been notarized before we turn them in. then they must be certified by the state. then they must be certified by the federal government. just in case i am a terrorist and the FBI fingerprints, the police checks, and the child protective service checks missed it.

once obama has met behind closed doors and debated the pile of papers with a completely democratic committee, they will be flown to china and we will be 'logged in'. AT THIS POINT...we will be eligible to lay claim to the file of our sweet sarahjoy. at which time we see medical files and pictures and are able to officially accept a child as our own. currently, there is no waiting list at our agency so theoretically once those papers are all sent to china we could know who our sarahjoy is pretty quickly. theoretically...if there are no filibusters or castaway reruns.

so...based on the fact that everything important in our journeys to lydia and sarahjoy has happened while we were vacationing in the outer banks, i am banking on us knowing our little girl the last week of august. : )

so we continue to pray for sarahjoy and for God's provision to get us there debt free. we know this is His will and we are so excited to be in the midst of his blessing. we have currently received $16,000 towards our adoption - people handing us money in the most generous of ways. we have about $14,000 more and we are actively sending out grant applications and praying that we have favor.

to you who walk besides us and faithfully pray for us...thank you. you hold my heart in your hands as it aches for a little girl across the ocean. and you provide encouragement when the circumstances seem endlessly bleak.

to those who have given so generously...your tangible encouragement quiets me. the hearts from which your gifts come are amazing and inspiring. my hope and prayer is that you will be blessed tenfold for your sacrifice.

and to those who are watching...keep doing so. God is moving and our miracle is not over. may you be encouraged and brought hope by sarahjoy, even as she plays across the ocean, oblivious to her influence in the world.

and to sweet sarahjoy...we love you already. we are your mommy and your daddy. we can't wait to hold you, to kiss you, to give you a bath, to dress you in clean clothes and shoes that fit. to bring you to a home where you will be smothered with love and affection. hold on, sweetie. soon, we will cry together.