huge God

in honor of our new little one on the way, the blog will be getting a new look! i am SO excited. stay tuned!

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we are deep in the middle of paperwork. i had forgotten how much there was! sort of like labor - if you ever remembered what it was really like, no one would ever have a second child. likewise in the adoption world. here's one for you - we have to reorder all of our birth certificates and marriage certificate so that they will have been certified within the last 6 months. because, of course, my birth has changed a lot within the past couple of years. and then there is the form that needs to be accompanied by a money order (errand #1), which requires cash from the bank (errand #2), then needs to be notarized (errand #3), followed by a trip to the post office to mail and track it (errand #4). one piece of paper. four errands. oh, and i forgot one. it all needs to be copied before being mailed (errand #5). exhibit A on why you will hear every adoptive family talk about the piles of paperwork. it is unbelievable.

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so we are knee deep in paperwork and neck deep in leaning into God for his financial provisions. i hate to keep talking about it - i actually find great pride in how we have managed our finances throughout our married life. which is probably why it is so uncomfortable to talk about being in such a 'chaotic' state of affairs. so out of our control and what we would normally feel comfortable with. but we continue on. and God continues to say to me, "you do your part and i will do mine." which is hard. that's about all i have to say about that! hard stuff. i love watching God provide. when it affects me, not so much love going on. it is difficult. there are things i want, things that i could easily argue we need, but God is loudly and firmly saying to me that we are going to have to do without. don't worry, we aren't eating mac 'n cheese every night. and yet, that very idea is what makes it so difficult at times. what is the wisest thing to do with the money we do have? is everyone who follows our journey going to be watching how we spend every penny? are they going to formulate opinions when my kids have on their gap clothes (which i most certainly bought on bottom dollar clearance!) or when they see us going out to eat for new years eve (on a gift card, no doubt)? it is a funny place to be.

as i was laying in bed tonight i was thinking about this piece of furniture i really want. well, a $40 storage cube from target, if you can call that furniture. i REALLY want it. i am chomping at the bit to have some of the kids things in a more organized fashion - i have been talking about it for months and when we took down the christmas tree and rearranged there is a perfect spot for it in my den. i had plans to go get it tomorrow (it's on sale!). but as i lay there wondering how God is going to pull this adoption off, he brought to mind that purchase. and i know in my heart it isn't what he wants me to do. BUT I WANT TO DO IT ANYWAY. so... i don't think i am going. instead, i'm going to pray that God provides a way for us to organize without spending that money. or give me a peace to spend the money at some point. but those are the day to day fights i have within myself about money. is a $40 purchase going to provide for our adoption? no. but obedience to God will. and in this case, obedience means staying home with my wallet.

so that's where i stand. some days i am invigorated by the challenge. other days, i am exhausted with trying to obey (do my kids feel like that?) and then there are the days when i just want to do what i want to do and ask for forgiveness (they probably definitely feel like that!) i mean really, how bad can a $40 storage cube from target be?

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in other news, our daughter has a new name! sarahjoy. we threw leah out with the trash even though i love, love, love the name and have always wanted a leah. but leah and lydia sounded way too much alike. and we can't have two L's. there is way too much organization in this house that is based on first initial (you think i am kidding, but i'm not) and we wanted a double name and couldn't figure out anything to go with leah. so there you go...sarahjoy it is. love it. can't wait to see what she looks like!

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and finally, our sweet lydia, the brown sugar princess, is 4! i can hardly believe it. her birthday was december 28th and i spent the day laying in bed ready to cut my throat out of my body. a few doses of amoxicillan later, we are much better, and she is 4. we will be celebrating in january. january 22nd to be exact. which is a very special date for me and lyds. more on that later. suffice it to say that God has a way of joining hearts across the ocean.

and with that, i am resting in the knowledge that God is a HUGE God. able to join hearts across the ocean, able to provide miraculously.