boiling

i know. it's been a long time. mostly because every time i begin to think in blogese there are multiple children needing my attention and when the small monsters are finally tucked safely away to hibernate for the night, my brain does not function. or maybe, it might function only when staring at hugh laurie, simon cowell, or jeff probst.

gosh, God is weird. i wonder if my christian journey is similar to others. it goes in these huge waves. for the past few months i have felt like i was in idle. nothing big, nothing to speak of. just living the ins and outs of life. pretty much since lydia came home. of course, one cannot live on the miracle train forever. i don't think. i ponder a lot of things, and if i had the ability to blog while straightening the house, i would have a lot more posts. but really, i feel like we are just laying low. enjoying the days.

and then, God throws a HUGE curveball as if to say, "hello...(spoken in a robin williams voice)...here i am and we are turning up the heat. the pot is getting ready to boil and you just hang on."

the other day i get an email. as i do at least 50 times a day, every day. an adoption email which is nothing out of the ordinary. for whatever reason i am on about 1000 different adoption lists. i think they must scan northwest airlines passenger list for all families traveling from guangzhou to detroit with 3 people who have mildly caucasian names. so...i get this email. all about ethiopian adoption. nothing new, african adoption is something we are familiar with but have never felt called to. but something tugged on my heart and i clicked on the button for more information. mind you, eric was out of town for the weekend, so i was left to frolic in my emotions and wind my heartstrings around whatever was behind the magic button.

and there it went. my heart flew to a faraway land, to a continent on the opposite side of the ocean. i can't really explain it - believe me, i have tried to communicate all of these goings-ons with eric and i can't. he just sits and nods his head and lets me muse (which is what he did when we first talked about china...) i began to explore ethiopian adoption and to my surprise, it had all of the 'practical' things we talk about - cost, travel time, healthy children, time frame. i suddenly felt the same way as i did with china when we were journeying to lydia. i was attached in some weird, unspeakable sense. it caught me off guard - because though we are sure that God has a fifth child for our future, i have repeatedly said that my heart didn't feel the same way. i chalked it up to 'been there, done that' and something is never as 'exciting' the second go round as it is the first. but maybe, my heart is not wrapped around china, because it belongs somewhere else.

and so the pot begins to boil. suddenly, what seemed like a settled decision is anything but settled in my mind. what in the past seemed like an absolute no, is now an option on the table. it is amazingly similar to our journey through special needs adoption. we were adamant that God was not leading us into special needs, and then in a matter of a weekend (when eric was gone and i was playing on the computer...) our hearts were turned.

so whether we pursue an adoption from ethiopia, i don't know. but God has turned me on my head and i am flipped up in the pot of boiling water! if we are open to the adoption of a black child, then why not a domestic adoption? or a biracial child? the options are overwhelming.

God is in the boiling process. and he is the one who turned up the heat. that i am sure off. what i am not sure of is where this journey is going to end. and i don't like that feeling. i want to KNOW what is going on. i want to be SURE. i do not like the idea of being tussled in the pot for a time before God reveals the master plan. that scares me. the whole thing scares me. i would much prefer to fall asleep at night imagining the sounds and smells of china as we go back and do what we have already done. there is comfort there (gross food, but comfort nonetheless)and peace in knowing the steps before us. but now there is NONE of that. there is no peace in my soul. there is nothing but unanswered questions.

grrrr. i don't like this.