innocence

at the risk of being investigated for child pornography, i thought you might enjoy a look at the infamous tan-lines of the sanzone children as referenced in a previous post. actually, the italian princess is the darkest of all but since she has 73 different bathing suits her back doesn't quite reflect her brownie browness.

"oh," they say at the pool, "you are the mom of the brown kids!" and now, its "you are the mom of the brown kids and the chinese kid!" what a place i have come to in life.

and be sure to note, the zebraesque stripes on the littlest member!

miracle

i don't have much to say. to be honest, today was a very long day and i am tired and out of words. but i did want to report in that this afternoon was our appointment with the international adoption pediatrician. me and all the kids - which resulted in "uuhhh...what is the age difference between the 3 kids..oh!...that one is yours too? wow." sometimes, i do feel like an exhibit at the zoo. everyone just stares. as if they have never seen someone with 4 children before. i don't know, i didn't think we were that weird! lest i digress, what the doctor had to say...

"when i see newly adopted children, i always schedule an hour for the appointment. most of the time there is a lot to go over, many questions, health concerns, etc. lydia, well, she is a perfectly healthy little girl. her growth from september is staggering. i have never seen anything quite as dramatic."

and with that, we left his office in a matter of minutes (we didn't actually leave the lab for another two hours - they had to draw 6 vials of blood for routine adoption tests, thus one reason why today has been a bit long!) what he didn't say, but what i know, is that lydia is a miracle. 10 months ago she was a child who was not even close to being on the growth chart - her height, weight, and head circumference FAR below the 1st percentile - even on the chinese growth charts. today, she is a chubby little kid with a bit of a height challenge (hey, she is chinese!) who couldn't be healthier. a miracle. i want to be sure and shout that as loud as i can - lydia is a living, breathing M-I-R-A-C-L-E. there is no other explanation.

when i write those words there are tears in my eyes. i am overwhelmed at the gift we have been given. when there is temptation to live life in a single dimension of the here and now, lydia will always be my reminder that God is bigger, that he sees far beyond what i do, his strength is immeasurably more than my abilities. the journey God took us on to find lydia has taught me lessons for life and my prayer is that i will never forget them.

each of my children have their special place in my heart. josiah - he will always be my firstborn, my "first love" as it were; anna claire - she is my princess, my first little girl, my helper; micah - he is my baby, the one that almost didn't make it, the one that i would always choose to spoil; and then there's lydia - my miracle.

should you doubt it, let me remind you, God is a God of miracles. there's one sleeping in the bed upstairs.

just the four of us

i was asked the million dollar question today...the dear woman with a furrowed brow inquired, "Are they all yours?"

Well, yes ma'am, they are. All four of the little urchins. "How old are they?" she asked. I replied quite proud of myself, "7,5,3, and 2 1/2." I feel like superwoman when I say those numbers (especially when i throw in the 1/2)! "Oh honey," she replied, "you have your hands full." And with a look on her face as if to communicate horror and sorrow all at the same time, she quickly left the scene. I think she was afraid she would get drafted!

And so it is with our new life - four little rascals who at times allow me to see the wonder of siblings and friendship and big family and lots of love. I can picture the Christmas tree with our grown children and their significant others all coming together for cookies and laughter. One big, happy family where love flows deep and life is shared. hopefully, some day.

And...then there are times...when I wonder if they will still be arguing about whose fault it is come their wedding day and who gets to go first, and as they are walking down the aisle, one is yelling sssttttooopppp while the other completely ignores them. what is it that allows them to think that the word "stop" has no meaning and even if the other one has said it 10,000 times if it is enertaining you then by all means continue! oh my word! enough already.

in all fairness to the situation, the last few days have been great. my house is STILL straight (i didn't say clean) from monday. mostly due to the fact that we have spent the morning watching cartoons - don't let anyone tell you TV isn't a great babysitter, a necessary babysitter at certain times in life - and the afternoons at the pool and then on to naps. the older ones are learning their new roles as helpers. josiah is now in charge of unbuckling both the little ones and getting lydia out of the van. anna claire is in charge of getting lydia dressed. and they are both learning to help around the house. they have lucked out when it comes to chores. we only had a week out of school before we left for china so we are just now getting to the summer chore routine. lest they think summer is all full of fun and games! the chore cards are making their return...

really, all is well. micah is having a rough go of it but he is hanging in there. although today he did mention sending daddy and lydia back to china...but he was planning for mommy to stick around!

i was snuggling with the little guy today and lydia came over to us crying, which is not abnormal. she does not like it one bit when micah is in my lap. after a minute or so she began to motion that she needed to go potty. which, we have learned, is her way of controlling us. if she isn't getting her way, she signals that she needs to go potty, we take her, and suddenly we are doing exactly what she wants! so i was not about to take micah out of my lap for her manipulation tactics. well, she kept sitting there and crying and i kept snuggling and after about 5 minutes i decided it was lyd's turn. only to find out - she had peed all over the carpet! aaaghhhh. oh well, i guess she really did need to go. hopefully no long term affects from my neglect!

speaking of neglect, lydia is sporting a new set of stripes these days. we took her to the pool and she has this cute little bathing suit with small red and white stripes. i lathered her with suntan lotion as she is by far the fairest one in the family. and when we got home, anna claire says to me while she is getting lydia dressed, "mom, lydia has stripes!" i go in to check it out and sure enough, there are bathing suit marks on her little back. amazing - 30 SPF lotion and in just 2 hours the kids has tan lines! but no, that is not what anna claire was talking about. "no look mom, lydia has stripes!" i look at her back and to my utter confusion the kid has these little stripes all across her back. she has gotten a tan THROUGH her bathing suit. unbelievable! the sanzone kids are famous for their tan lines but this brings it to a whole new level! i have seen the SPF clothing for kids but i chalked it up to a gimmick - i guess i stand corrected, suntans can be gotten through the bathing suit!

life with 4 is fun, crazy, exhausting, fulfilling, stretching, energizing, everything i have dreamed of. i am so thankful for our family. and don't hold me to it, but i am thinking the sanzone family is complete. we'll see...

one week

I was talking with a dear friend of mine, also an adoptive mom, and she reminded me that when she brought her child home at 6 months I reminded her regularly that she couldn’t look at life like she had a 6 month old, she had to look her days based on how long Evelyn had been in the family.  I think that was pretty good advice – and good to be reminded of now that I am in the middle of the scene.   I can’t base our adjustment on life with a 2 ½ year old; I have to think about life with a one-week old.  Now that is a whole different ballgame.  And makes me feel so much better!  The truth is that we are a family with a brand new baby.  So for those of you who haven’t been in the new-baby world for a while, let me remind you…

            *4 hours of continuous sleep is considered a gift from God

            *pajamas are the clothing of choice

            *crying is the primary method of communication – depending on the day, this may include mom as well

            *personal hygiene is reminiscent of ancient Rome

            *walking aimlessly around, standing in awe of the mess, is standard behavior

            *survival is the name of the game – just make it another day

 

So, I think we are right where we should be.  The past two nights I have been able to put Lydia to bed and walk out of the room – a huge step forward for her and a welcome respite for me.  I was getting weary of having to campout until she went to sleep.  And last night she was up only once and that was quickly remedied with a touch and a kiss.  Today, Eric’s day off, I was able to de-junk all the kids’ rooms (how do they get all of that stuff in there?), clean out the playroom, balance the checkbook (ugh.) and get several more things done on the to-do list.  Accomplishment!  Lydia is definitely getting more comfortable but generally one of us has to be available to her.  Even if she plays for 10 minutes by herself she has a need to connect with us on a regular basis.  She will drop what she is doing and begin crying until she finds us – sometimes the crying is easily consoled, other times not.  So it really prohibits me from doing anything unless someone else is around.  Needless to say, this task-mama was thrilled to get some things done today.  I feel a little more like a real human being.  Haven’t hit the shower yet, but plan to…

 

We did take the kids swimming this afternoon – first time for Lyds.  She was understandably timid but after the first hour she was getting the hang of it.  I continued to be intrigued by her personality.  The funny thing about adopting a toddler is that their personality is there, alive and well.  But it has to be discovered.  There are glimpses of her every now and then that I think are more her true self but at this stage, they are few and far between.  For the most part, she is very clingy and timid, easily upset and very quiet.  However, in those few moments she is this very happy child with tons of energy, super confident, happy to be here kid, so completely different.  I think that is probably who Lydia truly is, behind the grief and sadness that she is experiencing.  And who can blame her – I have to remind myself when I am at my wit’s end with her crying – that she has been torn from everything and has been immersed in a world that is so completely different.  If that had happened to my little Micah it would take him months to recover, and I would expect the same with sweet Lydia.  It will be fun (exhausting…) to discover who she is beyond the transition.  Let’s just say I am looking forward to December.

 

Tomorrow I am on my own again!  Aahh!!  I have to simply remind myself that NOTHING gets done beyond breakfast, clean up, lunch, clean up, dinner, clean up, bed.  And the clean up is only a possibility.  It is highly likely that breakfast dishes will still be on the counter come dinnertime.  It’s okay, it’s just a phase, this too shall pass, I will recover…what day is it?

 

precious prodding

i was sitting at a swim meet this morning - 95 degrees, no shade, three races, two minutes of swimming, 5 hours of waiting. i know, unbelievable that anyone swims. but we love it. anna claire even swam today, first time all season she actually made it into the pool at a meet. all the way to the other end of the pool without even a hesitation. pretty good for a little 5 year old!

so i was pondering why in the world i would subject myself to such a saturday morning. and i quickly came to the conclusion that its what we love. i grew up swimming, we live by the water, our kids love the pool, it is simply what our family chooses to invest in. and to be fair, it is no different than sitting at a double header for baseball or a tournament for soccer. its all the grueling agony of waiting for that little bit of action that is going to make it all worth it. that moment when you see your kids shine - when they finally beat the 40 second mark for breast stroke or when they take that first jump into the pool and head to the other end after being scared to death all season. its worth it.

i think its the same with my relationship with God right now. if i am honest it is not something that tops out on my 10 favorite things to do. really, when am i supposed to have some quiet time with God? in the morning, so i find myself grumpy all day from exhaustion? at nap time, when the list is a mile long of things that need to get done without the help of little hands? at night when i fall into bed oftentimes already pondering how i will make it to nap time tomorrow? there isn't a convenient time these days, and hasn't been for a good five years. so why make it a priority? because it is what i know is best, it is what i know will sustain me, it is what has proven over the years to be my strength. and so i do it.

i wish i could say it was that simple - i do it. but i don't. i put it on the back burner, i find 101 things more important, i make excuses, i simply choose not to. as i reflect on this past week i think it has been one that God has been quietly whispering my name. these past 3 months have been God shouting loud and clear and maybe i have grown complacent in his obvious presence. this week, a lot of other things have been shouting and i fear drowning out the voice of Him who has delivered me to this place, the very place i begged him to be.

our little girl has been with us for a week, in our home. almost three weeks in our family. the days have been good, great, horrible, and somewhere in between. we have run the gammet. but no matter where we are - for life is sure to bring us to depths deeper and broader than those of the past few days - i want to remember the God who orchestrates it all and his precious prodding, calling me to himself.

maybe i will do better this week.

chugging along

i wish i could know what is going through lydia's head. here i sit in her room, working on the computer, while she toddles off to dreamland. if i try and leave the room, she cries. but she doesn't care if i am in the bed with her or holding her. she just has to be able to see me. so, i figured i would get something done! i like the idea of sticking around my kid's room while they drift off to sleep about as much as i like chinese food. not really how i trained my other kids. but i know it is right for her. hey, look on the bright side, all by myself in the peace and quiet! maybe we could keep this act up for the next 10 years. it could be my place to work on my book, which i think i need to change the title. i think a better title would be, "What the hell was I thinking? And other questions of motherhood." broad appeal - i am envisioning the oprah show and ellen.

our day was much better today. lydia has actually gotten to be quite sick in the last 36 hours so we made a trip to the doctor. she was wheezing like crazy and had a high fever. so we got some drugs and she is doing much better today. love modern medicine.

micah has begun to act out a little bit. throwing fits and refusing to do things. today we were in line to pick up the older two from vbs and i was holding lydia and he refused to move! as in, refused-to-move!! he plopped himself down in the floor and would not budge. when i tried to put lydia down she screamed so here i was holding her ever so precariously and dragging him by the arm, all while being observed by what felt like the entire congregation. at one point a man behind me said, "oh, are you ashleigh sanzone?" well, yes, i am. in all of my glory. or maybe i should have claimed a second identity at that point. i only wish, or maybe i don't, that i could know what he was thinking! i finally asked a friend of mine to pick micah up and bring him to me - by that time i had moved down the line quite a bit - which she did, as micah stayed hunched is his little ball even in mid-air. i think i might try the stroller tomorrow for one of them. 'tis a learning curve this sort-of-twins thing. but micah and i did have a special date this afternoon. we took anna claire to gymnastics and then we hit the grocery store for some hershey's syrup to make chocolate milk. just us, and i carried him the whole time. he was thrilled.

i realized something scary today. yesterday in my psychotic state it never crossed mind to call on jesus. wow. how could i have allowed myself to be so far gone and forget the place of my ultimate strength? i don't know the answer to that question. i have pondered it all day. i don't like it though. i know i can't do this thing on my own. funny how it is so easy to forget who got me to this place - you'd think i would remember and be telling him he better get me through it!

well, the girls are both asleep now. thank heaven for anna claire who goes to sleep in about 1 minute and could sleep through a tornado. at thank heavens for lydia who doesn't seem to care about ac's snoring! one more day gone by and one more day towards being a little more settled. for this, we have jesus!

we are doing well.

i have always said i wanted to write a book. and i think i have finally figured out the title..."everything you need to know about motherhood that no one ever tells you" and then i am going to proceed to tell the real story, the one that no one talks about but everyone experiences. when was the last time you heard anyone tell a newly pregnant woman how horrible hemmhoroids are??? hmmm...yeah, i didn't think so.

well, that's sort of where we are right now in our house. feeling out the realities of a new child. bringing lydia home has been remarkably similar to bringing a new baby home. she's up at night, she demands attention, we are getting used to another family member, the kids are having to bow to her needs. unlike a new baby, i can't let her scream. i am a big fan of putting my babies in the crib when i am at my wit's end but in this case, i can't do that. if she is wanting me then i have to give myself to her.

so here is today. we skipped swim practice at 7:15. got up and discovered that eric was down for the count, sick and in bed (he was sleeping in another room). okay, that's what i needed. after a morning of vbs, we headed home. oh dear. breakfast dishes were still on the table. by now the cereal had morphed into some sort of alienesque blob. miscellaneous breakfast food is on the counter...all still open of course. a puzzle is strewn about the open section of the house. the playroom is covered, and i do mean covered, with toys. the den is set up as a campout scene with pillows and blankets and stuffed animals all over the place. somehow, it didn't get cleaned up in the 4 hours we were gone! lydia is refusing to be put down, micah is pulling on me and wants to be held, anna claire is wanting me to play, and josiah is whining about why daddy isn't awake. eric has not gotten out of the bed and i am feeling the effects of not having been in the bed for a large portion of the night. OH MY GOSH!

you know what was going through my head, let's just get it out there..."WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING??????" (hopefully my mother nor my pastor will read this
!) yep, that's where i've been this afternoon. i couldn't take it anymore. all of the emotion of the day and the weeks flooded me and i became this possessed being for about 5 minutes. screaming at the top of my lungs, yelling at the kids. i can't describe how angry and frustrated i was. i wanted my old life back. i thought about calling my mom to come rescue me for an hour but i wasn't sure i wanted her to see me this strung out.

it's not that we weren't prepared for the adoption - i think we read everything and talked about things as much as we possibly could have. but like a new baby, you can't know what it is like until you get there. and we are there. new baby, four kids 5 years apart. the youngest 6 months apart. its a lot. i know that it is what God has for our family - who could doubt that after our journey to get lydia - but it is on the crazier side of crazy right now.

so, when people ask how we are doing (which i get asked at least 47 times a day) i think i will say this. "we are doing well. we haven't killed anyone, buried anyone alive, or even locked them out of the house. we haven't run away or driven aimlessly around the city. we haven't even locked ourselves in the bathroom. no one is starving, everyone is clothed, a roof is over our head. so, all things considered, we are doing very good."

i don't think most people really want to know. it takes all the fun out - the story is too dreamy. really, the fun family comes home with the china doll and everyone lives happily ever after. but for those who do want to know or who will come after me on this journey, there it is. the real, live truth. really, we are doing well.